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Ego: Dream Killer

The new month has brought with it a significant shift in energy, and I know I’m not alone in feeling it. I don’t know if it’s the new moon in cancer, the new financial year giving off January vibes, or something else altogether, but there’s no denying it. Personally, my mood has lifted (alleluia!), I’ve had significant insights, and I’ve set new intentions that have flowed to me fluidly rather than forcefully.

Firstly, I’m realising with increasing clarity that I grossly underestimated the level of commitment and sustained diligence required to disassociate from ego and live in alignment with my soul.

Yep. Big. (Massive.)

Following this realisation, I’m beginning to recognise the degree to which I’ve allowed my life to be dictated by my ego. To put it another way, my default mode of being is to allow my ego to stop me from living my dreams. In particular, I’ve uncovered a deep, long-held, heartfelt dream that I’ve skirted around, hidden, denied, and turned away from, for as long as it’s resided in my heart.

It’s only been in practicing mindfulness and disidentifying from ego that I’ve been able to see the truth that’s been under my nose all this time. My ego has told me I’m not good enough to pursue, let alone achieve, this dream. My ego has convinced me that I’ll make a fool of myself to even admit this dream to anyone. My ego has given me all the reasons why this dream is a foregone failure. My ego has told me I’ll be selfishly squandering my money to pursue this dream, money that could be put to better use for my young family. My ego has reminded me of my past failures and used them as evidence that this dream is destined for the same. My ego has laughed cruelly in my face for even daring to dream such a ridiculous dream. My ego has even rationalised that this dream isn’t quite right for me.

If the ego were a person, that person would be judged as a pretty horrible person, and not a wise choice of someone to confide your dreams to.

The amusing thing is, since getting back on the mindfulness bandwagon and choosing not to take the ego’s opinions on board, I can actually see all the signs that the Universe (God/Source/the Angels) has been persistently placing on my path in an effort to steer me in the direction of this dream. There have been sparks of interest, meetings with inspiring role models, fascinations, signs, omens, synchronicities, serendipities. And if you consider my email subscriptions and social media feeds, it’s so blindingly obvious that this dream totally lights me up.

*Sigh.* All I can do is laugh about it.

No matter. I believe that I, just like everyone else, am exactly where I am supposed to be, and my journey gives me everything I need to grow. I trust the entire process.

There is so much I don’t know, so much I don’t understand. I’m learning, and it’s a lifelong process. Whilst sometimes I think I can’t be helpful to anyone if I don’t have all the answers (hello again, ego!), I trust that by sharing my journey, full of struggles and mistakes as it is, may help you to have your own realisations.

Perhaps you have a dream that you’re ignoring or denying or hiding, because you’re believing what your ego has to say about it. Try this: dream the dream anyway. Don’t believe what your ego has to say on the matter. Envision the dream in your mind’s eye, ignoring the ego’s heckling jibes telling you that your dream couldn’t possibly come to fruition. Feel the feelings of living your dream, disregarding your ego’s persistent snide remarks that your dream is an impossibility. Dream the dream. Forget the how’s. This is where the magic begins. Because even if your dream doesn’t turn out the way you hope for, LIFE is where you pursue the dreams of your heart for the pure joy of the experience living in alignment with the callings of your soul.

If you’re serious about disidentifying with ego, I recommend the following books that were recommended to me by my teacher, Belinda Davidson. Read them, study them, re-read them. Then read them again.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris

Image credit: by Deb Stgo, used under license.

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Energy Doesn’t Lie

I’ve had some realisations about myself recently. I have been a liar. My whole life. I avoid painful truths and attempt to convince myself and others that the lie is the truth. I’m so well practiced in this self-deception that it comes naturally. I decide what it is that I want to be the truth, and I tell myself over and over that it is so. Every time my conscience pipes up, I instantly quash her with affirmations that the lie is the truth. I do this so well that I’ve convinced myself over the years that I’m an open book, that I never lie, that I respect and uphold the truth always, that I’m a person of honesty and integrity. I believed it. I even found a way to reinforce my integrity and prove my “goodness” by joking about what a bad liar I am – I can’t pull off a poker face with an outright, eye-to-eye lie (that is true). If you’re planning a surprise party for someone, you’d be wise to get someone else do to the lying, because I will likely fail. If you’ve got a secret, don’t tell me if it means that I have to lie to someone about it, because I will squirm and give it away even if not with my words. This became a type of insurance policy, a guarantee for me. I thought that I must be a good person, incapable of the immoral act of dishonesty. It was my ultimate false advertising, which helped keep in place the sham of my deceptive ways.

The truth – I’ve lied all my life. It starts young, as soon as we learn how to string a sentence together. We all laugh at the lies of a small child, the stories they tell as they navigate the terrain of fact from fiction, and then the fibs that they make up in an attempt to avoid getting into trouble. But we’re supposed to learn, through experience and being parented, that lying is wrong and telling the truth is right. I know I was taught this, but it seems that the lessons didn’t stick so well. I was a “good girl”, and I got the idea that lying to uphold this image was a better option than telling the truth and being found out to be a fraud. I haven’t committed any criminal offences, but it’s safe to say that there have been some lies that have left a lingering stench of guilt, and the seemingly smaller, personal lies I’ve told myself over the years have been eating away at me. The deeper I get into spiritual work of cleaning up my energy and journeying with my soul, the more obvious it’s becoming that these lies can’t remain hidden, and I can’t keep up this way of being.

I’ve been feeling frustrated in recent months that my life isn’t yet consistently changing and improving in the way that I’d hoped and expected when I embarked on this spiritual path. I’ve been SO DAMN DEDICATED, and yet something is off. I’m not getting the results. I’ve written about the depressive episodes that have recently returned, but beyond that, I’ve felt stuck, struggling, striving, wishing, yearning, disappointed, disheartened.

It’s pretty funny when I think about it. It’s so obvious that lying would have a huge negative impact on my energy field. How can I possibly feel aligned, connected to source, and high vibing, when deceptive actions and lying words are my norm. I’ve been in such denial of my dishonest ways that I didn’t realise that I was essentially doing the vibrational equivalent of eating a mega healthy, organic, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free diet packed with vitamins, minerals and nutrients, and then washing it all down with Draino and wondering why I felt so sick.

So what are the lies that I tell myself and others? Obviously there are those of us who tell the big and obvious porky-pies around topics such as infidelity, stealing, and the like. But I’m talking about the more subtle, and perhaps seemingly innocent lies. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in some of these …

The standard response of “Good thanks” when asked “How are you?” when in truth, I’m not feeling good, but I don’t want to be a downer.
The excuses I make up to avoid doing what I don’t want to do.
Telling someone what I know they want to hear, to avoid hurting their feelings.
Doing what my partner/kids/family/workplace/community/society says I should do, when in truth I don’t think it’s right.
Telling myself that “This is life, get over it”, when in truth I just can’t be bothered or I don’t have the courage to do what it takes to have the life I desire.
Telling myself that I want something, when really I’m just settling for what seems good enough, because I’m not sure if I can get what it is that I really want, and I don’t want to miss out altogether.
Ignoring the niggling feeling in my gut/the little voice in my head that is telling me “This isn’t right”.

So why has lying has become a part of my daily existence? I believe it stems from wanting love, acceptance, and approval from others, but believing that I can’t get it if people know the truth about me. It starts small, and builds momentum. I’m avoiding the negative consequences of my actions. I’m seeking pleasure, joy and the good life, and avoiding the opposite. Essentially, I’m scared. I’m fearful that the truth will leave me without love.

The reality is that in choosing fear and attempting to avoid that which I don’t want, I’m setting up an energetic domino effect that will ultimately bring me more of what I don’t want. I know that fear is the opposite of love. I know that the law of attraction states that like attracts like. So by lying, I’m creating an energetic frequency that will attract more lies and more fear into my life, and in doing so, I’m moving further and further away from love.

So, it’s time for me to do some cleaning up. Despite the long trail of lies behind me, I’ve been working on my energy through my spiritual practice, and so it was inevitable that they would be brought out into the open for healing. The best part is, my practice is my foundation, and I know it will carry me through the process of moving into alignment with my truth, no matter how rocky things might get as I clean up the mess.

I’m ready to choose love.

Image credit: On Golden Pond by Nick Kenrick. Used under license.

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Your light is eternal

I’m a freaking mess. High one day, a disaster the next. I feel like a complete idiot, like I’ve not learnt anything about life and how to live. I told anyone who’d listen that I finally had this depression thing sorted for good, and now, I’m being slammed by depressive episodes again. And it’s not even a “legit” depression, where the person is rendered physically and mentally incapable of dragging themselves through the day. No, my brand is shameful: it’s a choice. I’m feeling shit, and I’m wallowing in it. I’m choosing to opt out and zone out of life, because I just don’t want to endure another moment of feeling this way.

I’m heartbroken, because I was so certain that I’d found the golden ticket to keep me out of this pain permanently, but despite my dedicated chakra cleansing, my ego found the loophole: mindfulness. I know that mindfulness has been my stumbling block, and it’s the way my ego is worming it’s way back in to the drivers seat and controlling my life again. She’s clever – she’s even managed to convince me that she can thwart my attempts at chakra cleansing and channeling White Light. So, whilst I’ve surrendered to the MIA mindfulness, even my attempts to chakra cleanse and channel White Light feel measly and futile.

She’s good at convincing me that I suck at life, that I’m dumb and slow, and that I’m just not cut out to get my shit together enough to live an awesome life. She laughs hysterically when I say I want to shine my light and inspire others. “LIGHT?! WHAT LIGHT?! You’re a phoney loser. You don’t have a light, and saying the words won’t make one magically appear. You’re a try-hard, follow-the-crowd loser, pretending to be different. It’s embarrassing watching you pretend to people that you’ve got life sorted, that you have answers, because it’s a crock of shit and everyone sees through you. No one would ever want to follow your lead. Suck it up Princess, life’s a bitch, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all get on with it and stop laughing with pity and disgust at your pathetic attempts at “Lightworking”. FFS, the fact that you have the audacity to even use that word is just maddeningly embarrassing, and hilarious, and pathetic. You’re not one of them, so give it up. You’re destined for mediocrity, so stop trying so hard, and maybe the road will be a lot less embarrassing and painful for both of us.”

Whoa. She’s brutal. She’s a total cow. Writing out her tirade helps me to see just how horrendous she is, and how it is that she’s managed to slam me. It’s not only given me clarity on how she’s operating, but also an idea on how to disarm her. You see, before I wrote out her vicious tirade, I knew I was being beaten into submission by her words, although I hadn’t consciously acknowledged exactly what her words were. I knew she was slamming me, but I felt completely helpless. Now, reading her vitriol on the page before me, I can see her for the abhorrent bully she is. It makes me think, if someone spoke like that to someone I loved, I would go beserk! I wouldn’t stand by helplessly – I would tear my loved one away from that person, and bombard them with all the reasons why those words are complete and utter bullocks! I would shower my loved-one with love and hugs, and tell them how beautiful and amazing and wonderful and perfectly imperfect they are. I’d tell them how much I love them.

So, that’s what I’m doing, for me.

Rachael Louise Stella, that horrible tirade that Ego just pissed all over you is complete and utter garbage. She is trying her best to tear you down, because she’s afraid of how powerful you are, and that you’ll render her powerless. She’s clawing her way to survival. It’s not true, and she knows it. Rachael, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfectly imperfect woman, and I love you with all of my heart. You are a Lightworker – it’s just that your light has been dimmed lately, because you’ve believed those awful things that Ego tells you. I can assure you, it is a spiritual impossibility to extinguish your light – it is eternal. Don’t allow that desperate Ego to convince you that you’re not glorious. You are, and that terrifies her. But don’t fight her. Fighting is futile, and breeds negativity. Perhaps show her some love and kindness, by allowing her to be, but remembering that she does not speak the truth. Allow her to say whatever terrible things she has to say, but don’t accept them as true. Remember that her words are born of fear. She fears for her existence. You know how to disarm fear: with love. Remembering this will allow your light to shine, ever more brightly, and will keep Ego in the back seat, whilst you take the steering wheel.

I love you so much. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Image credit: 365.12 – Light by Kristina Savic. Used under license.

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The Spider

The spider has a job that she must do to ensure her survival – she must spin webs.

When the time comes for this job to be undertaken, she simply does it. She doesn’t contemplate it, plan it, worry about it, think about whether there are other tasks that she’d rather be doing, wonder if it might be better to put it off until tomorrow, or worry about how the finished product will turn out. When the moment arrives to spin a web, she mindfully sets about spinning a web, without being distracted, without wondering whether it will live up to her expectations or the expectations of others. She doesn’t contemplate whether that which comes naturally to her will be deemed the right thing to have done by others. She just does it. She spins her web with focus and intent to create that which comes naturally to her. She works with persistence, and if something should unexpectedly interrupt her, it is dealt with, after which she dutifully returns to the task at hand.

When her work is finished, the spider doesn’t stand back and critique her work. She doesn’t fret over whether others will judge her work favourably. She immediately moves on to whatever it is that her instincts direct her to next. If her work is destroyed by unforeseen circumstances, she doesn’t spend an instant grieving over the loss of her creation that she poured so much time and effort into. She moves on and does what needs to be done. She creates another web.

There is something to be learnt from the spider and her web spinning. We humans are naturally creative beings, and there is so much potential within us, waiting for us to let go and give birth to the creations that we were made to transform from potential into existence. We spend so much time and energy thinking, wondering, contemplating, worrying, analysing, assuming, and judging. All this mind work imprisons our potential, stifles it. It holds us back from birthing our creative projects. When we do manage to wade our way though the quagmire of mental mess, our creations fail to be born into the full expression of their potential. There is pure magic and magnificence lying dormant within a creative idea. A creative idea holds the possibility of beauty, joy, wonder, brilliance. The practice of mindfulness releases us from this prison of stifled creativity. When we disidentify from the ego, and model the spider’s approach to spinning her web, a world of glorious, fully expressed creativity falls effortlessly into our laps.

The mind isn’t all bad. Luckily for us humans, we also have the pleasure of enjoying and fully appreciating the beauty that has been created in the world. What a true blessing.

Image credit: spider web by x76882, under license.

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Life Lessons from the Lobster

Today, the 10^th of January, I finally feel as though the year has officially kicked off, with incredibly spectacular style and energy. I attribute this feeling to the events I attended over the past couple of days, and the first new moon of the year. That’s not to suggest that my new years eve or new years day weren’t great – they were actually quite wonderful. But today truly feels like a new beginning, like the shedding of an old skin has taken place, and a fresh and tender new phase awaits.

As Friday 8^th January approached, my excitement was mounting. I had a ticket to attend the annual School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM) meet-up, which this year was being held in Melbourne – woo hoo! This gathering is an opportunity to meet with the school staff and many of our classmates, most of whom we only know through our online connection via the school’s Facebook page. It’s also a chance to meet our teacher Belinda Davidson, hear her speak, and receive an in-person White Light transmission. My education via the school has created a monumental transformation for me, so an opportunity to meet with my SoMM sisters absolutely thrilled me to the core.

When I woke on Friday morning, I was positively giddy with excitement! I literally danced through the morning, cranked up the music, and sung at the top of my lungs, much to the amusement of my children. When I arrived at the venue, I was still bursting with excitement, and the palpable vibe blasting from the room was intoxicating. As we met our friends there were lots of heartfelt hugs, and a sea of smiles on the faces of a beautiful group of women who were thrilled to be communing. I was so high on the wonderful energy that the smile on my face felt permanent, and all of my laughter burst out of me in loud eruptions. I felt pretty goofy, but I was so happy that I didn’t care a bit.

The event, as expected, was wonderful. Belinda shared herself so generously with us, answered our questions, and re-inspired our commitment to our daily spiritual practices. There was a strong focus on chakras 3 and 6, including a White Light transmission specifically directed at healing and strengthening these key energy centres for us as Modern Mystics.

I was overflowing with love, gratitude, and freaking awesome mojo on Friday evening. It truly felt like one of the best days of my life.

Saturday arrived, and there was more excitement in-store. I also had a ticket for an event being hosted by Belinda and her “fellow sister of the light”, Rebecca Campbell, author of Light is the New Black. The event, “Rise Sister Rise, Step Up & Shine Bright”, was designed to give attendees “the opportunity to step into a high-vibe, transformational space and create the shift towards your soul purpose you’ve been longing for”. Once again, the vibe was epic. It was a room filled with 200+ Lightworkers, heeding the callings of their soul, coming together in a spirit of sisterhood to create magic and light up the world. Absolute pure joy. Belinda and Rebecca each spoke separately, and the day included music, singing, chanting, and crazy-lady dancing! Belinda embodied the energy of presence, calm, and insight. Rebecca was positively regal, powerful, and all heart. Both women were funny, beaming with light, and the ultimate examples of women living their soul purpose.

Belinda’s lecture focused on the critical importance of self esteem, self worth, and putting yourself first to enable you to step up and shine bright – in other words, we must have a healthy chakra 3. In her experience, as Lightworkers and women, chakra 3 issues are our biggest hurdle to overcome. Lack of self esteem, self worth, and inability to prioritise yourself, creates a downward spiral that prevents us from committing to the spiritual practices that will allow us to overcome these very issues. We must find a way to overcome this self sabotage, and if we can commit to working on our chakras every day, these issues will become less and less of a problem as we grow in self worth. To illustrate the critical nature of this concept, Belinda told us, (and I’m paraphrasing):

“I wish I could tell you that my family is the most important thing in my life, but it’s not. The most important thing in my life is the White Light.”

This woman knows and lives the truth that in order to be of service to others, in order to love others, we must first take care of ourselves.

Rebecca’s lecture focussed on rising up and listening to the callings of our soul, following the intuitive whisperings and niggles, the nudges from the Universe, and trusting that they will bring your life into alignment with your soul. She spoke of allowing the feminine energy to attract into your life that which lights you up, as opposed to using the masculine energies of striving, controlling and forcing, to create what you “think” you want. She also spoke of true sisterhood, and how by working our light, we inspire others to do the same, and we light up the world. She also used a brilliant analogy of the lobster. Let me explain.

A lobster, as we know, possesses a hard, protective shell which covers its body. As the lobster grows, it becomes too large for the shell – it no longer fits. At this time, the lobster retreats under a rock, and sheds it’s shell, to reveal a fresh, new, larger shell to fit its larger body. Initially, this new shell is soft and tender, but with time it harders and strengthens, until such time as the lobster again outgrows it and the cycle repeats.

It’s the same for us. Life is a constant cycle of growth, outgrowing our old, safe ways, and needing to shed our protective layer and become vulnerable, allowing us to grow to the next level. This initial vulnerability transforms into our strength, if we allow it. If we resist the shedding of our shell, resist the vulnerability that comes with allowing new growth, we become cramped, stuck, and unable to grow. Our strength becomes our hindrance.

So my biggest take-aways from these two light-filled days are:

Coming together in the true spirit of sisterhood with fellow Lightworkers LIGHTS ME UP TO FULL WATTAGE!!! These two days were absolute bliss for me, I felt electrified, I felt alive, I felt at home. I WANT MORE.
Devotion to my spiritual practice is essential. My daily non-negotiable spiritual practice is the foundation of a wonderful, light-filled life.
The two most important chakras for me to work on at this point in time are chakras 3 (prioritising me) and chakra 6 (improving my intuition and psychic ability to guide me towards discovering my soul purpose).
I must be willing to let go of outgrown ways of being, and get vulnerable, in order to grow.
I’m doing a damn fine job of mothering my children.

So, that last point may seem a little random. Here’s what that’s about.

Towards the end of the second event, Belinda and Rebecca held a Q&A session. Initially I had no questions, but I did have a slight inkling that an important question was brewing inside me. As the session progressed, so did my inkling, and the question continued to very palpably bubble up within me until it sat in my throat and waited determinedly for me to raise my hand. Finally, I nervously took my opportunity. I’m generally pretty willing to speak in front of a crowd, but it doesn’t necessarily happen without nerves or fear – I usually do it anyway. My question felt difficult to ask, as it brought up feelings of guilt and shame, but I knew that I needed to ask it if I was to move forward. Time to get vulnerable.

My recollection of exactly what happened next is somewhat hazy thanks to my emotional state at the time, but I’ll do my best to retell the story.

I wanted advice on how I could move forward on my journey, given my ongoing struggles with motherhood. I did my best to explain that I am a devoted student of Belinda’s teachings, I am committed in my daily non-negotiable spiritual practice, and that the work I’ve done on my chakras is reaping rewards. My struggle is with the responsibilities of motherhood, the ways in which it feels as though motherhood is my biggest hindrance in following what lights me up. That despite my gratitude for the immense joy that my children bring to my life, I concurrently feel pain and resentment for the time and energy they demand of me. That despite my efforts to practice mindfulness in the day to day throes of motherhood, I find myself feeling guilty that I can only wish that motherhood lit me up, but the truth is that it doesn’t, and pretending won’t make it so. That I want to follow what lights me up, but so often it seems that it’s my mothering that gets in my way. I was shaking, and my eyes were filled with tears.

Belinda’s response was heartfelt, kind, supportive and uplifting. She reflected back to me the pain this situation creates in my heart. She reminded me that a crucial piece of this puzzle is continuing to strengthen my chakra 3. But most significantly, she demonstrated the true meaning of sisterhood, and prompted all the women surrounding me in that room to applaud my efforts and acknowledge the damn good job I’m doing as a mother. My tears flowed, and I felt so acknowledged, so heard, so loved. Belinda went on to say that in standing up and being acknowledged, a healing had taken place. Throughout what remained of the afternoon, so many women offered me hugs, words of support and encouragement, and gratitude for speaking the words that they too held in their hearts.

I’m not sure that I grasped the complete message in Belinda’s words, as my intuition tells me that this isn’t the end of my struggle (the ego is stubborn), but a shift has definitely occurred. Sharing my struggle was a relief, and forged a deeper connection with the women, especially the mothers, in that room.

As I gave Belinda a farewell hug before departing, she asked me if I felt better after what had transpired. I hesitated and admitted that I was still feeling a little emotional and shaky, but that yes, it had helped, and thank you. She told me that standing up and speaking my truth was an act of bravery, and that in doing so, I’d helped all the other mothers in the room who felt the same way.

So now, with the energy of the past 2 days still coursing through me, I feel that my 2016 has begun. Renewed focus, inspiration, and intention. As the first new moon of the year rises, I set my intention to shed my protective shell, and follow what lights me up. Hence, I’m here, writing for me, writing for you. In shedding my shell, I release that which no longer serves me – the feelings of pain, guilt, shame, and loneliness that I’ve felt around my struggles with motherhood. They don’t serve my children. They don’t serve me.

May your 2016 be light filled, and in the words of Belinda and Rebecca, may you rise sister rise, step up and shine bright.

Image by Vic DeLeon, used under licence.

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Back From the Future

As I write this, I’m smack-bang in the middle of a three day retreat. Specifically, a stay-at-home “White Light Intensive Healing Retreat”, that is part of a course I am currently undertaking. This retreat has given me some much needed down time, time alone, time with myself, minimal social interaction, no social media or email checking. Time to breathe, hear myself think, rest, and get present. Ahhh…

Whilst on this retreat, I have been encouraged to practice mindfulness, and so I’ve used the opportunity to delve back into the words of wisdom from Eckhart Tolle in his profound book, The Power of Now.

Tolle teaches how to reach enlightenment through observing the mind and living in the present moment. Although I’ve been studying this book for some months now, reading it during this retreat has enabled me to have new insights into how I’ve been living.

I’ve been living in the future. Waiting. Yearning.

Yearning for a time when motherhood is less demanding.
Yearning for a time when I have more money.
Yearning for a time when I can learn all that my teacher has to teach me.
Yearning for a time when I’ve nailed the art of manifesting.
Yearning for a time when I know my life purpose and can live it.
Yearning for a time when I can fully embrace and embody the magical human being I am discovering myself to be.

I try to wrap my brain around these concepts of presence and mindfulness, but as Tolle explains, that will get me nowhere. Being present is knowing presence. Being mindful is knowing mindfulness.

It’s time to take the lessons of this retreat into my daily life. The social media and email free time is a massive step in the right direction. I’ve decided to limit my time on these activities, as opposed to my ingrained habit of reaching for my mobile during every spare millisecond I can find.

It’s also time to step up my mindfulness and presence practice. I’ve learnt so much through my studies, but it’s time to commit to living these practices every single moment of every single day.

Noticing when my mind says that motherhood is demanding and holding me back.
Noticing when my mind says that I don’t have enough money.
Noticing when my mind says there is so much I need to learn.
Noticing when my mind says that I haven’t yet mastered the art of manifesting.
Noticing when my mind says that life will begin when I’m living my soul purpose.
Noticing when my mind says that I can’t yet embody my truth.

Observing these thoughts. Accepting them. Perhaps chosing differently.

And finally, knowing that these thoughts aren’t who I am. I am the one who observes them. Knowing that I am perfect, whole, and complete, in this present moment, right now.

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Spirituality: The Answer to our Prayers?

“Already for most humans, the only respite they find from their own minds is to occasionally revert to a level of consciousness below thought. Everyone does that every night during sleep. But this also happens to some extent through sex, alcohol, and other drugs that suppress excessive mind activity. If it weren’t for alcohol, tranquilizers, antidepressants, as well as the illegal drugs, which are all consumed in vast quantities, the insanity of the human mind would become even more glaringly obvious than it is already. I believe that, if deprived of their drugs, a large part of the population would become a danger to themselves and others. These drugs, of course, simply keep you stuck in dysfunction. Their widespread use only delays the breakdown of the old mind structures and the emergence of higher consciousness. While individual users may get some relief from the daily torture inflectied on them by their minds, they are prevented from generating enough conscious presence to rise above thought and so find true liberation.”

~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, p.102

I’ve avoided writing about this topic for a while now, out of fear of being misunderstood, of being accused of denying the realities, severity and seriousness of mental illness, and the power it holds over those who suffer from it. The last thing I want to do is make light of what can be a debilitating and lethal condition. Yet as I journey forward, I’m strengthening in my ability to express my opinions and my truth. As such, I now feel it’s important to share my experience, and to offer ideas for contemplation and consideration. I hope my best intentions are evident.

I’ve suffered, in the past, with recurring bouts of clinically diagnosed depression. In my opinion, these episodes were mild, in the sense that I managed to continue functioning in life, meaning that I was capable of holding my job, dragging myself through the days, and mostly hiding how I was feeling from most of the world. I felt like I was trapped in dark despair and hopelessness, but I managed to keep my head above water. I entertained fantasies of suicide, which elicited the simultaneous and seemingly contradictory emotions of anger and relief, because I knew myself to be incapable of actually committing such acts.

During each bout of depression, my medical carers recommended anti-depressants, but I avoided them, feeling certain that whilst they would no doubt make me feel better, they wouldn’t cure me of the cause of my illness. I believed that the chemical imbalance in my brain, which cases the symptoms of depression, was preceded by something else. I was convinced that the chemical imbalance didn’t just randomly occur – something caused it. As such, I opted instead for psychological counselling, hoping and trusting that it would address that root cause. Counselling definitely helped me, but the fact that I continued to relapse suggested to me that there was something else I was missing. The last time I had depression, I agreed to take the medication, based on the fact that I had young children to care for, and as such I couldn’t afford the time it would take to recover using psychological counselling for treatment.

When, under the guidance of my GP, I managed to successfully wean myself from anti-depressants, I knew I had work to do. I never wanted to suffer from depression again, and I never wanted to put my children or my husband through such an experience again. I knew I needed to maintain the self-care practices I’d begun whilst on the medication, to prevent a relapse. But, beyond that, I knew deep down that I needed to address the root cause of my recurring illness if I was to avoid living this cycle for the rest of my life.

I could sense that if I didn’t take action soon, I would be heading down the same path I’d been down before. It was around this time that Belinda Davidson and her School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM) entered my world. I was interested. I was fascinated. I was drawn in. In a strange and subtle way, I believed that Belinda could help me to escape from my cycle of depression. My instincts told me to enrol, and my husband was on board with my decision. I haven’t looked back.

Let me be clear: Belinda does not claim to be a doctor or medical professional, or to be a substitute for such. What she does claim is to offer teachings that enable you to change your energy, change your life, heal yourself, become intuitive, and discover your life purpose. When I undertook Level 1 of SoMM, I was not depressed, but I was looking for my way to avoid becoming depressed ever again.

Having come out the other side of SoMM Level 1, I feel like the answer to my question of what was causing my depression, is that I’d been avoiding my spirituality for a long, long time. I’d well and truly lost the true essence of me. I was like an empty shell, with no vibrance or vitality. I’d given up the belief that life is full of beauty and joy – it felt more like a hard slog, disappointment, and disillusion. Sure, there were moments of fun, happiness, joy and love, but they felt fleeting and impermanent. I was resigned to bleak “reality”, the daily grind, struggle, and settling for mediocrity.

Amidst this resignation, the flame inside of me, although dimmed, was never completely extinguished. I spent late nights trawling the internet for inspiration and answers. I attended personal development workshops. I subscribed to every mailing list offering hope and salvation from motivational and inspirational authors. I read self-help books. I felt desperate at times. But I never stopped searching. Something inside propelled me to keep searching.

Religion didn’t do it for me. The self-help movement didn’t do it for me.

My teacher, Belinda Davidson, has shown me that my spirituality is where I will find all the answers I seek. She has shown me that my soul holds all the information I’ll ever need to live a life of purpose. She has shown me that I am responsible for my energy, and that by raising my vibration, I play my part in changing the collective energy of the world. She has shown me that I am not my thoughts, and she has shown me how to identify with my higher, light-filled self. She has shown me that I am a Lightworker, and I always have been. I just got lost along the way.

I’m not an expert, and I have no great understanding of what seems to be an epidemic of mental illness in our society. Perhaps though, in my humble opinion, it is worth considering whether our cultural tendency to ignore our spirituality, is at the root of some of our problems. Perhaps we would do well to encourage exploration of our spirituality, to introduce spiritual practices into our daily routines, to consider the larger questions of life as important enough to dedicate our time and attention to in our busy worlds. It seems that so many of us are caught up in life, pursuing empty and meaningless goals that we think are important, but ultimately never satisfy us.

Only time will tell, but I feel certain that a relapse of depression is no longer something I need to concern myself with. I have the tools, the spiritual practices, to ensure that I stay well, and free from mental illness. For that, I am eternally grateful.

If you or someone you love is suffering from mental illness, please seek professional help.

Beyond Blue: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Black Dog Institute: http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

Headspace: http://headspace.org.au

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia): http://www.panda.org.au/

Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic is currently accepting enrolments for Level 1. Click here for further information or to enrol. Enrolment is open once a year, and the doors close for 2015 on Monday 21st September – don’t miss your opportunity!

*I am a proud ambassador and affiliate for School of the Modern Mystic.

Image credit: image by Wonderlane. Under license.

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Struggle Street is not a Worthy Route

As my journey continues, I yet again find myself on Struggle Street. Life feels hard. My mojo is fluctuating. I worry that I’m doing “it all” wrong. I quieten my voice out of fear that I’ll prove that my breakthroughs and highs were nothing but flukes, peaks on the never-ending roller coaster of life. I begin to berate myself for feeling as I do, knowing too well that I am truly blessed in this life, I’ve faced no tragedy, no trauma, no extreme hardship … I haven’t earned my right to suffer.

STOP.

This is the point where things are now beginning to transform.

I remember that berating myself is a waste of time, a recipe for feeling progressively worse rather than forcing me to feel better. Negativity and forcefulness is never the way.

I remember that negative thoughts are a product of my ego. They are not the truth. I remember to notice them, and acknowledge them. I remember not to label them as good or bad – that is my ego tricking me again, masquerading as my higher self. I simply let them be.

I remember that struggle is a concept of the ego. I need not struggle. I remember to observe my thoughts, my feelings, my suffering. I remember that my ego makes them painful. I remember that I need not fight them, push them away, deny them. I observe them, allow them them to be, give them space, and accept them as they are.

I remember that surrender is the path to freedom. I remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and my journey gives me everything I need to learn and grow. I remember that I can trust the entire process.

I remember that changing my energy will change my life. I realise that life will not suddenly become pain free – energetic shifts take time to play out in their entirety in the circumstances of life, and there is a lot of cleaning up to be done. The timeframe and sequence of these changes is not of my choosing, it is a matter of the divine. I now remember that struggling through the process is a choice, and that it’s much more enjoyable to go with the flow.

I remember that speaking my voice and sharing my truth, when done with love, is not only freeing for my soul, but also the way I shine my light in the world.

Image credit: I saw the wind and it hugged me, by Dee Ashley. Under license.

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Message from a Tree-Hugging Hippy

I’ve been pretty occupied lately.

Being a mummy. Preparing food. Washing clothes…

Practicing yoga. Meditating. Resting…

Studying. Reading. Learning…

There has been a part of me just itching to share more about what’s been occupying a large chunk of my time over the past eight months, because it has been freaking awesome. Amazing. Eye opening. Life changing. But … There has also been a part of me that has been hesitant to share, fearing negative judgement. To be completely honest, I’ve thought way to much about what every single person I know will think of me if I share this part of my life. I’ve learnt this lesson before – worrying about the opinions that other people have of you is futile. However … I tend to be a slow learner! I’ve been scared that people will think I’m a “tree-hugging hippy”, a bit weird, a fruit loop, a naive and silly little girl with my head in the clouds and a loose grip on reality. But something subtle is starting to shift within me, and I can feel a mask slowly peeling away from me, leaving me feeling more and more ready to express without fear. With abandon. Because the people who don’t get me, aren’t the ones I’m supposed to be talking to. My truth is that I’ve recently experienced some of the most profound and significant lessons of my life to date, and I feel moved and obligated to share with people who are interested, open, and perhaps searching. For the people who think that I’m weird, that’s none of my business. Thanks for coming, have a nice day. Being free of the idea that I have to hide a part of me, is truly liberating. Let’s get to it.

I’ve spoken a little here and here about my studies with Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM). I’ve just completed Level 1, and to say it’s been a game changer for my life is, quite frankly, an understatement. I feel like my entire approach to life has shifted. Actually, it has. The way I go about my day, my every waking moment, is informed and influenced by what I have been learning. Let me tell you a bit about exactly what I’ve learnt.

The first module of the course is all about chakras. Prior to this course, the only things I knew about chakras were that they are within the body, they are related to energy, they are the colours of the rainbow, and my yoga teachers often refer to them during class. Belinda has taught me so much more. In a nutshell, the chakras are a part of our energy system, which affect every aspect of our life. Let’s go back a bit first, to explain how this works. My (very limited) understanding is that according to quantum physics, all physical matter in the universe is essentially made of energy – that is, the smallest “part” of all physical matter is energy. For example, a solid piece of metal, is not actually solid at all – it is made up of miniscule “bits” of vibrating energy, all squished so closely together that they appear solid (can you tell I’m using my best scientific terminology?!). As such, the body is made up of energy. The chakras are an energy system of our body. These chakras generate, distribute, and absorb energy. Our energy field is made up of 12 chakras – 6 in our physical body, and 6 above our head, and each one relates to different aspects of our physical body, health, and life circumstances. Belinda teaches, in the School of the Modern Mystic, that we can positively influence the chakras, via our subconscious, during meditation (i.e. focused energy), in order to change our energy field, and thus change our life. We do this by practicing a chakra cleanse meditation. Belinda’s motto is “change your energy, change your life … get your chakras rocking, and life becomes magic”.

The chakra module of the course is very in-depth. Level 1 covers chakras 1-7. We spent two weeks on each chakra, learning the theory (i.e. it’s location, attributes, areas of the body it governs, how it impacts our life), as well as activating, balancing and strengthening our chakra, and reflecting on the state of it, and how our practices are impacting it. In this sense, the course is extremely practical. As Belinda explains, you can know all the theory in the world, but unless you are actually doing your spiritual practices, you are not treading the spiritual path.

This module of the course on its own, has been mind-blowing. I have been interested in the benefits of meditation for a long time, but never committed to a regular practice, and frankly, found it boring (ha!), which made it difficult to stick with. Like many others, for a long time I was mistakenly under the impression that meditating required me to stop thinking for lengthy periods of time. Have you ever tried to stop thinking? If you’ve never tried, I’d be willing to be that you won’t make it to a minute. The guided chakra cleanse meditation that we use in the course made meditation so easy for me. A 35 minute audio, guiding me through the meditation, during which I focus on each of my chakras. No striving to stop my thoughts. Simply focusing on each chakra as guided by the audio. Six months ago, I could not have predicted that I would now be guiding myself through the meditation without the audio prompts, actually feeling and experiencing the energy of my chakras, feeling energy course through my body, and observing the effects that the chakra cleansing is having on my life. Whilst I’ve always been interested in hearing about energy medicine and modalities like Reiki and polarity therapy, I could never understand or relate when people could feel or see or sense energy. Now, I’m experiencing it for myself.

Early on in the course, I knew I had imbalances, weaknesses, and blockages in pretty much all of my chakras, simply by learning the theory, and analysing how it fitted in with my health and life circumstances. As the course progressed, and I meditated more, and focused more on my chakras every day, I learned to feel the state of my chakras – to feel their energy. Aspects of my life have certainly shifted and improved as I’ve worked on my chakric health, and when I’m having problems or difficulties in certain areas of my life, I now intuitively look to my chakras, and work on the issue from there. Interestingly, sometimes I recognise an issue in my chakras before I notice its manifestation in my body or life circumstances.

Module two is all about the White Light – a healing spiritual energy. I feel a LOT of resistance in talking about this module, as its sounds kind of “woo woo” to use Belinda’s words, however it was surprisingly fascinating, heart warming, enlightening, very practical and thrilling! We learnt how to use the White Light, to strengthen our ability to cleanse our chakras, clear energetic blockages, and manifest our desires. It’s given me a certain power to supercharge my creative action taking, and it’s filled me with unconditional love. This module was the most surprising for me, as it cemented my true belief in this work. I have been able to physically experience the energy of the White Light, which was initially startling (but beautiful), and I see the effects it’s having on my life – proof that it’s real and it works!

Module three covered a topic that is getting a lot of coverage these days, and rightly so: mindfulness. We studied two texts as part of this module: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, and The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris. I view both of these texts as handbooks for life. Tolle’s writing isn’t particularly easy to read, but it is full of profound wisdom. Harris’s book is extremely practical and simple to read. Both help us learn and understand how the mind works – that we are composed of two “selves” – the thinking self (the ego), and the observing self. Our aim is to learn to disassociate from the thinking self, and learn to associate with the observing self, through practices of mindfulness and presence. I can’t recommend these texts highly enough. This module has taught us to recognise when our ego is taking over, so that we can align with our observing self – our “higher self” or “light-filled self”. In this way, we can continue on our spiritual path, without getting sidetracked or high-jacked by our ego, which can only lead us back to pain and suffering. I practice mindfulness every single day. It is especially helpful when I’m dealing with screaming children, trying to get the kids ready for school on time, or lamenting the fact that I can’t seem to achieve all the things on my “to do” list every day!

So, put it all together, and these three modules give us the pillar practices for creating healthy energy, and thus being able to create the life of our dreams.

Where I’m at right now, at the conclusion of this Level 1 course, is a place of calmness and positivity. That may not sound astounding, but it is. I feel confident that I have the ongoing ability to deal with whatever life throws at me, as well as to create and live a life of my choosing, as opposed to drifting with the current. This course has given me a foundation, I believe, to ensure that I never again find myself wallowing in self-pity and using “I can’t cope” as an excuse to opt out of life. In a practical sense, this translates into an ability to keep my cool (mostly!) with my kids, no matter how severe the tantrum. To experience contentment and peace in the present moment. To trust that there is a path in front of me, leading me on the journey I am destined to travel, filled with so much joy and love. To have eliminated the sense of despair and dread of a ho-hum existence or worse, as well as the incessant worrying that I’m a terrible parent, stuffing-up at every turn and ruining my kids for life.

As a gratifying extra, my husband has told me he’s noticed a difference in me. He thinks I’m coping better with daily life as a mummy. I’m happier. I’m less stressed. I’m more easy-going.

In the interests of transparency, I’m not suggesting that life is suddenly perfection and that there is no room for improvement, or that I don’t have times of struggle or pain. There are ongoing issues that I’m still working on, and my manifesting technique requires much practice, but – THAT’S FINE. I’m in a place where SoMM has given me the ability to recognise, on a moment to moment basis, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that wherever that is, IS perfect. Instead of stressing about why I haven’t manifested something-or-other, I know that I am on my path, and that it will manifest when it is meant to, if it is in my best interests. When I notice myself feeling upset, or angry, or frustrated, I’m able to observe those thoughts or feelings, and recognise them as separate to who I am. This doesn’t necessarily solve all my problems, but it helps me to move on from them more quickly than what I otherwise would have, or to find solutions instead of wallowing in pain.

In the aftermath of completing Level 1 of SoMM, I am now preparing for Level 2, which is all about learning how to discover and live your soul purpose. Completing Level 1 has prepared me and my energy field to embark on this new journey. I have yearned for what seems like forever, to know what it is that I was put on this earth to do. I am thrilled to have found a path to discovering what it is that my soul intends for me.

As I’ve progressed through SoMM, I’ve felt like I’m becoming better able to connect with the things that bring me joy. I’m drawn to them, and I’m recognising the feelings they incite. As I plan to begin Level 2 in July, the Universe is giving me little insights. I’m learning that whatever feels awesome, lights me up, sparks an interest, is worth pursuing. That my soul purpose is something that will make my heart sing with joy, not something that I will become begrudgingly obligated to follow. That my spiritual practices will take me there. That there is an abundance of guidance and help available to me, if I simply ask.

My spiritual practices, which have become part of my daily routine, are having the most beautiful impact on my life. I’m astonished by the power of a simple daily chakra cleanse meditation. I feel my chakras spin. I channel White Light. It’s truly magical.

So I’m firing up. Following the sparks. Expressing what I can. I still have no idea where it will lead me, apart from where I am destined to be. And that, my lovely, is THRILLING!

xoxo

To learn more about Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic, or to purchase the Guided Chakra Cleanse for Busy People, click on the images below.

I am a proud affliate of Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic, and earn a commission on any sales made as a result of my referral.

Main image credit: crazy flare, by Yutaka Seki. Under licence.

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The Milky Way is Always There

It is a divinely beautiful experience to stand under the Milky Way on a clear, balmy summer night. The energy is exquisite. A few weeks ago, I did just this, gazing into the heavens, drinking in the atmosphere, and feeling a sense of perspective with my place in the universe.

The following night, I went out to drink in some more of the loveliness, but the stars were hidden beneath smatterings of cloud. It was still beautiful, in its own way, but it didn’t hold the magic and sparkle of the previous evening. And yet, I knew that beyond those clouds, the same Milky Way was still there, just hidden from my eyes.

Once again, it’s been quite a while since I last posted here. There are a few reasons:

1. Committing to Sleep
I think I’ve finally solved my sleep commitment issues. I made a pact with myself that I can only rise early in the morning to meditate if I’ve slept for 8 hours. Daily meditation is a part of the spiritual studies I’m currently undertaking, and I’m learning that the benefits are life changing. Further to this, I’m finding that meditation first thing after waking is an awesome way to begin my day, as it starts me off in the right head-space, and carries throughout my day. So, despite my natural tendency towards being a night owl, I’ve had surprisingly little difficulty in establishing this practice. The problem lay in maintaining my late night habits alongside my early morning meditation. Exhaustion does not facilitate mindfulness. Hence, the pact. That has been motivation enough.

Herein lies the next problem: my writing and publishing, thus far, has been confined to late night (or very early morning!) when the kids are asleep, and I have no other pressing responsibilities (aside from sleep, that is!). So, when I’m committed to sleep at night, it’s tricky to find daylight hours to squeeze in writing between the school and kinder run, playing trains, riding bikes to the park, keeping the house looking semi-respectable, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaning up after breakfast lunch and dinner … I’ll stop there. It’s oh-so-easy to push yourself into the trap of “I don’t have the time” (all the while emphatically claiming that you fell in, against your most-determined will).

2. Wallowing in an Energetic Funk
I’ve struggled to generate inspired content that I deem publish worthy. This is a trend for me, it seems. I’m not interested in publishing just for the sake of it, despite all the advice out there that consistent content creation is key to a successful blog. I only want to share writing that I feel moved to share, writing that I believe will resonate, move, inspire, comfort, or spread love. I’m less about “successful blog”, and more about authentic connection.

I’ve struggled with this, I believe, because my energy has taken somewhat of nose dive from the heady highs of the early weeks of this year, when my chakras were rocking, and I was brimming with positivity and connection.

I don’t think I’ve done anything “wrong” to cause this downward turn. I’ve maintained my meditation practice. I’m continuously delving deep into spirit. I’m even sleeping more! I think it’s simply the ebb and flow of energy and life, it’s something I’m learning from and I’m yet to master. I understand that the level that my energy vibrates on is my responsibility, but I’m still learning how to manage this. I’m acknowledging the drains on my energy, such as the new routines and earlier mornings with a new preppy in the family. I’m making an effort to accept this experience for what it is, without making it wrong. I’m doing more “gentle” and “restorative” yoga classes, and less vinyasa, until my body is ready. I’ve turned down invitations for evening socialising, and instead substituted rest and sleep. But, I’m still a work in progress. I am so ingrained in the mindset of “pushing through” when it comes to matters of household and parenting duties, and this inevitably lands me in the state I’m in right now – succumbed to a viral infection, unable to do much, and forced to do that which I should have done to prevent this outcome: rest. It’s uncomfortable territory to put me as number one priority. I’m taking baby steps.

Anyway, my energetic funk has had me feeling like I’m incapable of producing shareable content, because I believe that high-vibing content can’t be faked. If I’m not vibing high, any content I create will stink of the funk I’m in. But I’m coming to realise that there is an antidote, a way to create that is authentic and share-worthy, even when I’m feeling down (because let’s face it, we can’t hide under the bed covers indefinitely every time we’re feeling off).

The answer: taking action, and being honest.

So, here I am.

Waiting around to feel “ready” to write, waiting for inspiration to hit, will get me nowhere. I’ve been trying to convince myself that the time will be right soon, but not right now. This has generated nothing. There is a time for stillness, a time for rest, but this is not the same thing. Knowing that I have these words bubbling up inside of me, clambering to get out onto the screen and in front of you, means that I need to take action. During the time between publishing posts, I don’t sit around feeling fulfilled by my last post – I feel magnetically pulled toward creating. I don’t always know what it is I want to write, but I can feel the words trying to escape from inside of me. Putting pen to paper, and turning on the computer, is what generates the inspiration for exactly what it is I will share with you.

As I’ve explained, my highs of the early weeks of the year have bottomed out. I’ve been doing everything I’m “supposed” to be doing to improve and maintain energetic vitality, but I’ve lost that sense of flow and connection that I was in. I’ve felt frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. Plus angry, embarrassed, and like a failure. I had thought that once I’d attained that lofty high, I was there to stay. A high is like that – it makes you feel invincible, like you’ll never return to the grotty lows from where you first rose. What am I supposed to say now that it’s waning? I’ve felt like a fool at times, like a naive little girl chasing castles in the sky. How can I progress from there?

So, I’ve had some time, to be with what is, and to consider my situation from different perspectives. I chose not to quit in disappointment and disillusionment, but to maintain my commitment to my spiritual practices – THANK GOODNESS. It’s paying off – a few days ago, I finally re-connected, albeit faintly, with source. It’s brought about an awakening:

• Energy ebbs and flows. It’s my responsibility to maintain my own high vibration of energy, but I also need to acknowledge the natural peaks and troughs of the energy that surrounds and impacts me, and do my best to work with it and flow with the currents. It’s my responsibility to prevent external low vibration energies from dragging me down.

• This too, shall pass.
• I am exactly where I am supposed to be – even if that is in a funk – and my journey gives me everything I need to learn and grow. I trust the entire process.
• Beneath the fog of my funk, I’m still the same soul that I was at my vibrational high. It’s simply the clouds temporarily covering the starry sky. This gives me faith.

Photo credit: The Milky Way Strikes, by Abdul Rahman. Under licence.

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