I’ve had some realisations about myself recently. I have been a liar. My whole life. I avoid painful truths and attempt to convince myself and others that the lie is the truth. I’m so well practiced in this self-deception that it comes naturally. I decide what it is that I want to be the truth, and I tell myself over and over that it is so. Every time my conscience pipes up, I instantly quash her with affirmations that the lie is the truth. I do this so well that I’ve convinced myself over the years that I’m an open book, that I never lie, that I respect and uphold the truth always, that I’m a person of honesty and integrity. I believed it. I even found a way to reinforce my integrity and prove my “goodness” by joking about what a bad liar I am – I can’t pull off a poker face with an outright, eye-to-eye lie (that is true). If you’re planning a surprise party for someone, you’d be wise to get someone else do to the lying, because I will likely fail. If you’ve got a secret, don’t tell me if it means that I have to lie to someone about it, because I will squirm and give it away even if not with my words. This became a type of insurance policy, a guarantee for me. I thought that I must be a good person, incapable of the immoral act of dishonesty. It was my ultimate false advertising, which helped keep in place the sham of my deceptive ways.
The truth – I’ve lied all my life. It starts young, as soon as we learn how to string a sentence together. We all laugh at the lies of a small child, the stories they tell as they navigate the terrain of fact from fiction, and then the fibs that they make up in an attempt to avoid getting into trouble. But we’re supposed to learn, through experience and being parented, that lying is wrong and telling the truth is right. I know I was taught this, but it seems that the lessons didn’t stick so well. I was a “good girl”, and I got the idea that lying to uphold this image was a better option than telling the truth and being found out to be a fraud. I haven’t committed any criminal offences, but it’s safe to say that there have been some lies that have left a lingering stench of guilt, and the seemingly smaller, personal lies I’ve told myself over the years have been eating away at me. The deeper I get into spiritual work of cleaning up my energy and journeying with my soul, the more obvious it’s becoming that these lies can’t remain hidden, and I can’t keep up this way of being.
I’ve been feeling frustrated in recent months that my life isn’t yet consistently changing and improving in the way that I’d hoped and expected when I embarked on this spiritual path. I’ve been SO DAMN DEDICATED, and yet something is off. I’m not getting the results. I’ve written about the depressive episodes that have recently returned, but beyond that, I’ve felt stuck, struggling, striving, wishing, yearning, disappointed, disheartened.
It’s pretty funny when I think about it. It’s so obvious that lying would have a huge negative impact on my energy field. How can I possibly feel aligned, connected to source, and high vibing, when deceptive actions and lying words are my norm. I’ve been in such denial of my dishonest ways that I didn’t realise that I was essentially doing the vibrational equivalent of eating a mega healthy, organic, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free diet packed with vitamins, minerals and nutrients, and then washing it all down with Draino and wondering why I felt so sick.
So what are the lies that I tell myself and others? Obviously there are those of us who tell the big and obvious porky-pies around topics such as infidelity, stealing, and the like. But I’m talking about the more subtle, and perhaps seemingly innocent lies. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in some of these …
- The standard response of “Good thanks” when asked “How are you?” when in truth, I’m not feeling good, but I don’t want to be a downer.
- The excuses I make up to avoid doing what I don’t want to do.
- Telling someone what I know they want to hear, to avoid hurting their feelings.
- Doing what my partner/kids/family/workplace/community/society says I should do, when in truth I don’t think it’s right.
- Telling myself that “This is life, get over it”, when in truth I just can’t be bothered or I don’t have the courage to do what it takes to have the life I desire.
- Telling myself that I want something, when really I’m just settling for what seems good enough, because I’m not sure if I can get what it is that I really want, and I don’t want to miss out altogether.
- Ignoring the niggling feeling in my gut/the little voice in my head that is telling me “This isn’t right”.
So why has lying has become a part of my daily existence? I believe it stems from wanting love, acceptance, and approval from others, but believing that I can’t get it if people know the truth about me. It starts small, and builds momentum. I’m avoiding the negative consequences of my actions. I’m seeking pleasure, joy and the good life, and avoiding the opposite. Essentially, I’m scared. I’m fearful that the truth will leave me without love.
The reality is that in choosing fear and attempting to avoid that which I don’t want, I’m setting up an energetic domino effect that will ultimately bring me more of what I don’t want. I know that fear is the opposite of love. I know that the law of attraction states that like attracts like. So by lying, I’m creating an energetic frequency that will attract more lies and more fear into my life, and in doing so, I’m moving further and further away from love.
So, it’s time for me to do some cleaning up. Despite the long trail of lies behind me, I’ve been working on my energy through my spiritual practice, and so it was inevitable that they would be brought out into the open for healing. The best part is, my practice is my foundation, and I know it will carry me through the process of moving into alignment with my truth, no matter how rocky things might get as I clean up the mess.
I’m ready to choose love.