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Ego: Dream Killer

The new month has brought with it a significant shift in energy, and I know I’m not alone in feeling it. I don’t know if it’s the new moon in cancer, the new financial year giving off January vibes, or something else altogether, but there’s no denying it. Personally, my mood has lifted (alleluia!), I’ve had significant insights, and I’ve set new intentions that have flowed to me fluidly rather than forcefully.

Firstly, I’m realising with increasing clarity that I grossly underestimated the level of commitment and sustained diligence required to disassociate from ego and live in alignment with my soul.

Yep. Big. (Massive.)

Following this realisation, I’m beginning to recognise the degree to which I’ve allowed my life to be dictated by my ego. To put it another way, my default mode of being is to allow my ego to stop me from living my dreams. In particular, I’ve uncovered a deep, long-held, heartfelt dream that I’ve skirted around, hidden, denied, and turned away from, for as long as it’s resided in my heart.

It’s only been in practicing mindfulness and disidentifying from ego that I’ve been able to see the truth that’s been under my nose all this time. My ego has told me I’m not good enough to pursue, let alone achieve, this dream. My ego has convinced me that I’ll make a fool of myself to even admit this dream to anyone. My ego has given me all the reasons why this dream is a foregone failure. My ego has told me I’ll be selfishly squandering my money to pursue this dream, money that could be put to better use for my young family. My ego has reminded me of my past failures and used them as evidence that this dream is destined for the same. My ego has laughed cruelly in my face for even daring to dream such a ridiculous dream. My ego has even rationalised that this dream isn’t quite right for me.

If the ego were a person, that person would be judged as a pretty horrible person, and not a wise choice of someone to confide your dreams to.

The amusing thing is, since getting back on the mindfulness bandwagon and choosing not to take the ego’s opinions on board, I can actually see all the signs that the Universe (God/Source/the Angels) has been persistently placing on my path in an effort to steer me in the direction of this dream. There have been sparks of interest, meetings with inspiring role models, fascinations, signs, omens, synchronicities, serendipities. And if you consider my email subscriptions and social media feeds, it’s so blindingly obvious that this dream totally lights me up.

*Sigh.* All I can do is laugh about it.

No matter. I believe that I, just like everyone else, am exactly where I am supposed to be, and my journey gives me everything I need to grow. I trust the entire process.

There is so much I don’t know, so much I don’t understand. I’m learning, and it’s a lifelong process. Whilst sometimes I think I can’t be helpful to anyone if I don’t have all the answers (hello again, ego!), I trust that by sharing my journey, full of struggles and mistakes as it is, may help you to have your own realisations.

Perhaps you have a dream that you’re ignoring or denying or hiding, because you’re believing what your ego has to say about it. Try this: dream the dream anyway. Don’t believe what your ego has to say on the matter. Envision the dream in your mind’s eye, ignoring the ego’s heckling jibes telling you that your dream couldn’t possibly come to fruition. Feel the feelings of living your dream, disregarding your ego’s persistent snide remarks that your dream is an impossibility. Dream the dream. Forget the how’s. This is where the magic begins. Because even if your dream doesn’t turn out the way you hope for, LIFE is where you pursue the dreams of your heart for the pure joy of the experience living in alignment with the callings of your soul.

If you’re serious about disidentifying with ego, I recommend the following books that were recommended to me by my teacher, Belinda Davidson. Read them, study them, re-read them. Then read them again.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris

Image credit: by Deb Stgo, used under license.

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Your light is eternal

I’m a freaking mess. High one day, a disaster the next. I feel like a complete idiot, like I’ve not learnt anything about life and how to live. I told anyone who’d listen that I finally had this depression thing sorted for good, and now, I’m being slammed by depressive episodes again. And it’s not even a “legit” depression, where the person is rendered physically and mentally incapable of dragging themselves through the day. No, my brand is shameful: it’s a choice. I’m feeling shit, and I’m wallowing in it. I’m choosing to opt out and zone out of life, because I just don’t want to endure another moment of feeling this way.

I’m heartbroken, because I was so certain that I’d found the golden ticket to keep me out of this pain permanently, but despite my dedicated chakra cleansing, my ego found the loophole: mindfulness. I know that mindfulness has been my stumbling block, and it’s the way my ego is worming it’s way back in to the drivers seat and controlling my life again. She’s clever – she’s even managed to convince me that she can thwart my attempts at chakra cleansing and channeling White Light. So, whilst I’ve surrendered to the MIA mindfulness, even my attempts to chakra cleanse and channel White Light feel measly and futile.

She’s good at convincing me that I suck at life, that I’m dumb and slow, and that I’m just not cut out to get my shit together enough to live an awesome life. She laughs hysterically when I say I want to shine my light and inspire others. “LIGHT?! WHAT LIGHT?! You’re a phoney loser. You don’t have a light, and saying the words won’t make one magically appear. You’re a try-hard, follow-the-crowd loser, pretending to be different. It’s embarrassing watching you pretend to people that you’ve got life sorted, that you have answers, because it’s a crock of shit and everyone sees through you. No one would ever want to follow your lead. Suck it up Princess, life’s a bitch, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all get on with it and stop laughing with pity and disgust at your pathetic attempts at “Lightworking”. FFS, the fact that you have the audacity to even use that word is just maddeningly embarrassing, and hilarious, and pathetic. You’re not one of them, so give it up. You’re destined for mediocrity, so stop trying so hard, and maybe the road will be a lot less embarrassing and painful for both of us.”

Whoa. She’s brutal. She’s a total cow. Writing out her tirade helps me to see just how horrendous she is, and how it is that she’s managed to slam me. It’s not only given me clarity on how she’s operating, but also an idea on how to disarm her. You see, before I wrote out her vicious tirade, I knew I was being beaten into submission by her words, although I hadn’t consciously acknowledged exactly what her words were. I knew she was slamming me, but I felt completely helpless. Now, reading her vitriol on the page before me, I can see her for the abhorrent bully she is. It makes me think, if someone spoke like that to someone I loved, I would go beserk! I wouldn’t stand by helplessly – I would tear my loved one away from that person, and bombard them with all the reasons why those words are complete and utter bullocks! I would shower my loved-one with love and hugs, and tell them how beautiful and amazing and wonderful and perfectly imperfect they are. I’d tell them how much I love them.

So, that’s what I’m doing, for me.

Rachael Louise Stella, that horrible tirade that Ego just pissed all over you is complete and utter garbage. She is trying her best to tear you down, because she’s afraid of how powerful you are, and that you’ll render her powerless. She’s clawing her way to survival. It’s not true, and she knows it. Rachael, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfectly imperfect woman, and I love you with all of my heart. You are a Lightworker – it’s just that your light has been dimmed lately, because you’ve believed those awful things that Ego tells you. I can assure you, it is a spiritual impossibility to extinguish your light – it is eternal. Don’t allow that desperate Ego to convince you that you’re not glorious. You are, and that terrifies her. But don’t fight her. Fighting is futile, and breeds negativity. Perhaps show her some love and kindness, by allowing her to be, but remembering that she does not speak the truth. Allow her to say whatever terrible things she has to say, but don’t accept them as true. Remember that her words are born of fear. She fears for her existence. You know how to disarm fear: with love. Remembering this will allow your light to shine, ever more brightly, and will keep Ego in the back seat, whilst you take the steering wheel.

I love you so much. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Image credit: 365.12 – Light by Kristina Savic. Used under license.

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The Spider

The spider has a job that she must do to ensure her survival – she must spin webs.

When the time comes for this job to be undertaken, she simply does it. She doesn’t contemplate it, plan it, worry about it, think about whether there are other tasks that she’d rather be doing, wonder if it might be better to put it off until tomorrow, or worry about how the finished product will turn out. When the moment arrives to spin a web, she mindfully sets about spinning a web, without being distracted, without wondering whether it will live up to her expectations or the expectations of others. She doesn’t contemplate whether that which comes naturally to her will be deemed the right thing to have done by others. She just does it. She spins her web with focus and intent to create that which comes naturally to her. She works with persistence, and if something should unexpectedly interrupt her, it is dealt with, after which she dutifully returns to the task at hand.

When her work is finished, the spider doesn’t stand back and critique her work. She doesn’t fret over whether others will judge her work favourably. She immediately moves on to whatever it is that her instincts direct her to next. If her work is destroyed by unforeseen circumstances, she doesn’t spend an instant grieving over the loss of her creation that she poured so much time and effort into. She moves on and does what needs to be done. She creates another web.

There is something to be learnt from the spider and her web spinning. We humans are naturally creative beings, and there is so much potential within us, waiting for us to let go and give birth to the creations that we were made to transform from potential into existence. We spend so much time and energy thinking, wondering, contemplating, worrying, analysing, assuming, and judging. All this mind work imprisons our potential, stifles it. It holds us back from birthing our creative projects. When we do manage to wade our way though the quagmire of mental mess, our creations fail to be born into the full expression of their potential. There is pure magic and magnificence lying dormant within a creative idea. A creative idea holds the possibility of beauty, joy, wonder, brilliance. The practice of mindfulness releases us from this prison of stifled creativity. When we disidentify from the ego, and model the spider’s approach to spinning her web, a world of glorious, fully expressed creativity falls effortlessly into our laps.

The mind isn’t all bad. Luckily for us humans, we also have the pleasure of enjoying and fully appreciating the beauty that has been created in the world. What a true blessing.

Image credit: spider web by x76882, under license.

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Back From the Future

As I write this, I’m smack-bang in the middle of a three day retreat. Specifically, a stay-at-home “White Light Intensive Healing Retreat”, that is part of a course I am currently undertaking. This retreat has given me some much needed down time, time alone, time with myself, minimal social interaction, no social media or email checking. Time to breathe, hear myself think, rest, and get present. Ahhh…

Whilst on this retreat, I have been encouraged to practice mindfulness, and so I’ve used the opportunity to delve back into the words of wisdom from Eckhart Tolle in his profound book, The Power of Now.

Tolle teaches how to reach enlightenment through observing the mind and living in the present moment. Although I’ve been studying this book for some months now, reading it during this retreat has enabled me to have new insights into how I’ve been living.

I’ve been living in the future. Waiting. Yearning.

Yearning for a time when motherhood is less demanding.
Yearning for a time when I have more money.
Yearning for a time when I can learn all that my teacher has to teach me.
Yearning for a time when I’ve nailed the art of manifesting.
Yearning for a time when I know my life purpose and can live it.
Yearning for a time when I can fully embrace and embody the magical human being I am discovering myself to be.

I try to wrap my brain around these concepts of presence and mindfulness, but as Tolle explains, that will get me nowhere. Being present is knowing presence. Being mindful is knowing mindfulness.

It’s time to take the lessons of this retreat into my daily life. The social media and email free time is a massive step in the right direction. I’ve decided to limit my time on these activities, as opposed to my ingrained habit of reaching for my mobile during every spare millisecond I can find.

It’s also time to step up my mindfulness and presence practice. I’ve learnt so much through my studies, but it’s time to commit to living these practices every single moment of every single day.

Noticing when my mind says that motherhood is demanding and holding me back.
Noticing when my mind says that I don’t have enough money.
Noticing when my mind says there is so much I need to learn.
Noticing when my mind says that I haven’t yet mastered the art of manifesting.
Noticing when my mind says that life will begin when I’m living my soul purpose.
Noticing when my mind says that I can’t yet embody my truth.

Observing these thoughts. Accepting them. Perhaps chosing differently.

And finally, knowing that these thoughts aren’t who I am. I am the one who observes them. Knowing that I am perfect, whole, and complete, in this present moment, right now.

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Message from a Tree-Hugging Hippy

I’ve been pretty occupied lately.

Being a mummy. Preparing food. Washing clothes…

Practicing yoga. Meditating. Resting…

Studying. Reading. Learning…

There has been a part of me just itching to share more about what’s been occupying a large chunk of my time over the past eight months, because it has been freaking awesome. Amazing. Eye opening. Life changing. But … There has also been a part of me that has been hesitant to share, fearing negative judgement. To be completely honest, I’ve thought way to much about what every single person I know will think of me if I share this part of my life. I’ve learnt this lesson before – worrying about the opinions that other people have of you is futile. However … I tend to be a slow learner! I’ve been scared that people will think I’m a “tree-hugging hippy”, a bit weird, a fruit loop, a naive and silly little girl with my head in the clouds and a loose grip on reality. But something subtle is starting to shift within me, and I can feel a mask slowly peeling away from me, leaving me feeling more and more ready to express without fear. With abandon. Because the people who don’t get me, aren’t the ones I’m supposed to be talking to. My truth is that I’ve recently experienced some of the most profound and significant lessons of my life to date, and I feel moved and obligated to share with people who are interested, open, and perhaps searching. For the people who think that I’m weird, that’s none of my business. Thanks for coming, have a nice day. Being free of the idea that I have to hide a part of me, is truly liberating. Let’s get to it.

I’ve spoken a little here and here about my studies with Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM). I’ve just completed Level 1, and to say it’s been a game changer for my life is, quite frankly, an understatement. I feel like my entire approach to life has shifted. Actually, it has. The way I go about my day, my every waking moment, is informed and influenced by what I have been learning. Let me tell you a bit about exactly what I’ve learnt.

The first module of the course is all about chakras. Prior to this course, the only things I knew about chakras were that they are within the body, they are related to energy, they are the colours of the rainbow, and my yoga teachers often refer to them during class. Belinda has taught me so much more. In a nutshell, the chakras are a part of our energy system, which affect every aspect of our life. Let’s go back a bit first, to explain how this works. My (very limited) understanding is that according to quantum physics, all physical matter in the universe is essentially made of energy – that is, the smallest “part” of all physical matter is energy. For example, a solid piece of metal, is not actually solid at all – it is made up of miniscule “bits” of vibrating energy, all squished so closely together that they appear solid (can you tell I’m using my best scientific terminology?!). As such, the body is made up of energy. The chakras are an energy system of our body. These chakras generate, distribute, and absorb energy. Our energy field is made up of 12 chakras – 6 in our physical body, and 6 above our head, and each one relates to different aspects of our physical body, health, and life circumstances. Belinda teaches, in the School of the Modern Mystic, that we can positively influence the chakras, via our subconscious, during meditation (i.e. focused energy), in order to change our energy field, and thus change our life. We do this by practicing a chakra cleanse meditation. Belinda’s motto is “change your energy, change your life … get your chakras rocking, and life becomes magic”.

The chakra module of the course is very in-depth. Level 1 covers chakras 1-7. We spent two weeks on each chakra, learning the theory (i.e. it’s location, attributes, areas of the body it governs, how it impacts our life), as well as activating, balancing and strengthening our chakra, and reflecting on the state of it, and how our practices are impacting it. In this sense, the course is extremely practical. As Belinda explains, you can know all the theory in the world, but unless you are actually doing your spiritual practices, you are not treading the spiritual path.

This module of the course on its own, has been mind-blowing. I have been interested in the benefits of meditation for a long time, but never committed to a regular practice, and frankly, found it boring (ha!), which made it difficult to stick with. Like many others, for a long time I was mistakenly under the impression that meditating required me to stop thinking for lengthy periods of time. Have you ever tried to stop thinking? If you’ve never tried, I’d be willing to be that you won’t make it to a minute. The guided chakra cleanse meditation that we use in the course made meditation so easy for me. A 35 minute audio, guiding me through the meditation, during which I focus on each of my chakras. No striving to stop my thoughts. Simply focusing on each chakra as guided by the audio. Six months ago, I could not have predicted that I would now be guiding myself through the meditation without the audio prompts, actually feeling and experiencing the energy of my chakras, feeling energy course through my body, and observing the effects that the chakra cleansing is having on my life. Whilst I’ve always been interested in hearing about energy medicine and modalities like Reiki and polarity therapy, I could never understand or relate when people could feel or see or sense energy. Now, I’m experiencing it for myself.

Early on in the course, I knew I had imbalances, weaknesses, and blockages in pretty much all of my chakras, simply by learning the theory, and analysing how it fitted in with my health and life circumstances. As the course progressed, and I meditated more, and focused more on my chakras every day, I learned to feel the state of my chakras – to feel their energy. Aspects of my life have certainly shifted and improved as I’ve worked on my chakric health, and when I’m having problems or difficulties in certain areas of my life, I now intuitively look to my chakras, and work on the issue from there. Interestingly, sometimes I recognise an issue in my chakras before I notice its manifestation in my body or life circumstances.

Module two is all about the White Light – a healing spiritual energy. I feel a LOT of resistance in talking about this module, as its sounds kind of “woo woo” to use Belinda’s words, however it was surprisingly fascinating, heart warming, enlightening, very practical and thrilling! We learnt how to use the White Light, to strengthen our ability to cleanse our chakras, clear energetic blockages, and manifest our desires. It’s given me a certain power to supercharge my creative action taking, and it’s filled me with unconditional love. This module was the most surprising for me, as it cemented my true belief in this work. I have been able to physically experience the energy of the White Light, which was initially startling (but beautiful), and I see the effects it’s having on my life – proof that it’s real and it works!

Module three covered a topic that is getting a lot of coverage these days, and rightly so: mindfulness. We studied two texts as part of this module: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, and The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris. I view both of these texts as handbooks for life. Tolle’s writing isn’t particularly easy to read, but it is full of profound wisdom. Harris’s book is extremely practical and simple to read. Both help us learn and understand how the mind works – that we are composed of two “selves” – the thinking self (the ego), and the observing self. Our aim is to learn to disassociate from the thinking self, and learn to associate with the observing self, through practices of mindfulness and presence. I can’t recommend these texts highly enough. This module has taught us to recognise when our ego is taking over, so that we can align with our observing self – our “higher self” or “light-filled self”. In this way, we can continue on our spiritual path, without getting sidetracked or high-jacked by our ego, which can only lead us back to pain and suffering. I practice mindfulness every single day. It is especially helpful when I’m dealing with screaming children, trying to get the kids ready for school on time, or lamenting the fact that I can’t seem to achieve all the things on my “to do” list every day!

So, put it all together, and these three modules give us the pillar practices for creating healthy energy, and thus being able to create the life of our dreams.

Where I’m at right now, at the conclusion of this Level 1 course, is a place of calmness and positivity. That may not sound astounding, but it is. I feel confident that I have the ongoing ability to deal with whatever life throws at me, as well as to create and live a life of my choosing, as opposed to drifting with the current. This course has given me a foundation, I believe, to ensure that I never again find myself wallowing in self-pity and using “I can’t cope” as an excuse to opt out of life. In a practical sense, this translates into an ability to keep my cool (mostly!) with my kids, no matter how severe the tantrum. To experience contentment and peace in the present moment. To trust that there is a path in front of me, leading me on the journey I am destined to travel, filled with so much joy and love. To have eliminated the sense of despair and dread of a ho-hum existence or worse, as well as the incessant worrying that I’m a terrible parent, stuffing-up at every turn and ruining my kids for life.

As a gratifying extra, my husband has told me he’s noticed a difference in me. He thinks I’m coping better with daily life as a mummy. I’m happier. I’m less stressed. I’m more easy-going.

In the interests of transparency, I’m not suggesting that life is suddenly perfection and that there is no room for improvement, or that I don’t have times of struggle or pain. There are ongoing issues that I’m still working on, and my manifesting technique requires much practice, but – THAT’S FINE. I’m in a place where SoMM has given me the ability to recognise, on a moment to moment basis, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that wherever that is, IS perfect. Instead of stressing about why I haven’t manifested something-or-other, I know that I am on my path, and that it will manifest when it is meant to, if it is in my best interests. When I notice myself feeling upset, or angry, or frustrated, I’m able to observe those thoughts or feelings, and recognise them as separate to who I am. This doesn’t necessarily solve all my problems, but it helps me to move on from them more quickly than what I otherwise would have, or to find solutions instead of wallowing in pain.

In the aftermath of completing Level 1 of SoMM, I am now preparing for Level 2, which is all about learning how to discover and live your soul purpose. Completing Level 1 has prepared me and my energy field to embark on this new journey. I have yearned for what seems like forever, to know what it is that I was put on this earth to do. I am thrilled to have found a path to discovering what it is that my soul intends for me.

As I’ve progressed through SoMM, I’ve felt like I’m becoming better able to connect with the things that bring me joy. I’m drawn to them, and I’m recognising the feelings they incite. As I plan to begin Level 2 in July, the Universe is giving me little insights. I’m learning that whatever feels awesome, lights me up, sparks an interest, is worth pursuing. That my soul purpose is something that will make my heart sing with joy, not something that I will become begrudgingly obligated to follow. That my spiritual practices will take me there. That there is an abundance of guidance and help available to me, if I simply ask.

My spiritual practices, which have become part of my daily routine, are having the most beautiful impact on my life. I’m astonished by the power of a simple daily chakra cleanse meditation. I feel my chakras spin. I channel White Light. It’s truly magical.

So I’m firing up. Following the sparks. Expressing what I can. I still have no idea where it will lead me, apart from where I am destined to be. And that, my lovely, is THRILLING!

xoxo

To learn more about Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic, or to purchase the Guided Chakra Cleanse for Busy People, click on the images below.

I am a proud affliate of Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic, and earn a commission on any sales made as a result of my referral.

Main image credit: crazy flare, by Yutaka Seki. Under licence.

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