A little birdie (a cardinal, in fact) told me that it’s important for my soul that I get my butt back into this space, and start getting light-heartedly serious about the business of being me, loud and proud, through sharing my story. I listened, took note, and proceeded to do nothing about it. Excuses, you know. Seemingly valid ones. Then, that little birdie got in my face again. The instant I saw him the second time, I knew he meant business. It’s time that I follow his guidance.
So much beauty and light has been shining down on my little world lately. I feel as though I’ve turned another corner, a very distinct corner, and the path forward here is upward. Not upward in an uphill slog kind of way, but upward as in towards blessedly higher ground. I’ve let go of those niggling doubts and worries that were telling me that my spiritual path perhaps “doesn’t work for me”, that “I’m not as good or worthy as all those beaming lightworkers”, and “I’m doomed for failure and mediocrity”. I see you Ego, and I say “Thanks for sharing. I choose differently.”
My beautiful little boy began school a few weeks ago, and it’s been a wonderful new beginning for both of us. He’s ready and raring to step into this next phase of his sweet childhood, and honestly, so am I. I’ve learnt to delight in the joys of motherhood, and to weather the challenges with as much grace as I can muster. But I’m so excited for this next phase in our journey, and the energy of these past few weeks has been that of excitement, anticipation, positivity, new beginnings, and growth. He’s transitioned into school brilliantly, and I’ve transitioned into being a mum of two school children without a hitch. (OK, I almost shed a tear before dropping him off on his first day!)
The summer holidays allowed me some space to re-establish a DEVOTED practice. I realised at some point that last year, whilst I was showing up to a committed daily practice of a chakra cleanse meditation, most of the time I wasn’t really connecting. The lights were on but nobody was home. It was surface level, and I was just going through the motions. This was partly because I felt that the only time I could fit my practice in with consistency was at 5.30am, but bleary eyed and sleep deprived, I often struggled to keep myself from drifting to sleep, and I couldn’t muster the energy to do it standing up to prevent that. I felt proud that I was doing the work, but I was ignoring the reality that I was actually only managing to do half the work. I couldn’t concentrate, my mind would constantly wander, and I would be rushing through it before it was time to get on with my day, instead of allowing the time to feel my way intuitively through the process. I was still reaping benefits, but I certainly wasn’t experiencing the magic I’d come to expect and witness in others on a similar path. The gentleness of our summer routine provided the breathing space that allowed me more time and less pressure, so that I naturally found the depth and connection again that I realised I’d been mostly missing for months. And so, as a consequence, my energy has skyrocketed off the charts, into seriously high-vibing territory that not only feels wonderful, but is what I knew I was missing last year.
Practically, this new energy I’m rocking looks like:
- Feeling naturally moved to begin a daily routine of walking in nature. This is something that I began intermittently last year, but for a long time I found myself saying “I should walk more”. The difference now is that I’m moved to do it, I’m eager to get out there, because I love it! There’s no pressure, no forcing myself, no yearning for motivation. It just happens. I also realised that I really didn’t have an excuse – we live less than 2 minutes walk from wetlands with a walking track! Until this year, I’d kind of ignored that fact, and used the excuse that it wasn’t very nice, it was too close to the roads, and there was often rubbish lingering around. But I see it with new eyes now. Those wetlands are teeming with bird life, native flora, and miracles everywhere I look. I love my morning walk, and I’m feeling the benefits on SO MANY levels.
- Committing to a 5 minute morning yoga practice. Again, this has evolved naturally, and it’s something I look forward to. Physically, my yoga flow has never been smoother, my biceps have never been stronger, and my body feels limber and spacious. In the past I’ve used time as an excuse to avoid a home practice, but 5 minutes a day has had incredible impact for me.
- I’m getting more sleep. If you’ve read some of my earlier posts, you’ll know that this has been a life-long self-sabotage issue for me. I decided to surrender. I let it go. I stopped listening to the beating my ego would give me after every late night. I accepted that this is something I do, it’s possibly going to be something I do for the rest of my days, and trying to fix it isn’t working. I’m not clear on the exact mechanism at work here, but something shifted – I naturally began choosing to head to bed earlier. It became a priority. I wanted to accept the responsibility of making choices with consideration of the consequences. Far out, it feels so much better when I’ve slept a decent stint for consecutive nights! Who would have thought?!?! It’s still something I need to be very mindful of, and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve overcome this destructive habit, but I’m finding it increasingly easier to be aware of the impact of my sleep choices, and of wanting to make choices that have positive longer-term outcomes (rather than the instant gratification of rebelliously revelling in an late-nighter). (The late-nighters often aren’t even that enjoyable anyway!!) (Disclosure: I did stay up late to complete and publish this post! I was driven, it felt as though it was almost beyond my control. The words were hankering to get out of me and onto the screen to be shared with my audience. I went with it. More on that below.)
- I’m manifesting like a boss! Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. I won 2 free tickets to see Danielle LaPorte speak live in Melbourne, and then I scored an extra ticket as well, total value $375 (I’ve delighted in telling the details of this awesome manifesting story to anyone who’ll listen!). I’ve secured a 3 month pro-bono 1:1 life coaching series. I’ve been invited to participate online programs with incredible women that have come with PERFECT timing, taught me huge lessons, and given me amazing outcomes and momentum.
- I’m feeling more energetic, less grumpy, and better able to remain mindful in my parenting experience. My overall demeanour and energy is lighter – I’m even saying hi to people I pass when I’m walking, which is totally out of my comfort zone! I have the energy and motivation to do basic things like housework, without having to force myself. I just get stuff done. Messages, omens, and signs are flowing to me constantly. I see the beauty and miracles in everyday life.
- Life is just working better. I have two examples to illustrate this.
Example 1: A few weeks back, we purchased a large filing cabinet for our office. Because it is so large, we arranged delivery, and the sales assistant advised that the delivery company would contact me on the morning of delivery to confirm a time. On the first of the two possible delivery days, I kept my mobile within reach at all times. No call. At 3.30pm, I bundled the kids into the car to head to swimming lessons. I turned the key in the ignition – nothing. I got the kids out again, cancelled their swimming lesson, and called the RACV. I quickly knew not to get upset or annoyed about it – worse things could happen, and I was grateful that it happened at home rather than in some random car park. I thought that was the silver lining. But it got even better. At 4.20pm, when I “should” have been sitting poolside, I heard a vehicle out the front, and peeked through the window expecting to see the RACV truck. Instead, it was the delivery truck with our filing cabinet.
Example 2: It was a Wednesday evening, and I was in the backyard admiring the beautiful summer sunset. I invited my husband outside to see it too. Whilst there, gazing upward, he noticed that we had some significantly broken tiles on our roof. The next day, he called a professional to come and check it out. The roof guy was able to come that same day, and he confirmed that it needed substantial repairs. He was booked to do another job the following day, but was waiting on a part needed for that job. The part didn’t arrive, so he was able to fix our roof that day, Friday, instead. That weekend, there was a massive downpour. Bullet dodged.
There’s so much more I could share. Suffice it to say, life is grand. That’s not the same as perfect though. There are still challenges, there always will be. But how I’m facing them is shifting. For example, we’ve been having ongoing and protracted drainage and plumbing issues with both of the showers in our house since we moved in over 2 years ago. After repairs and complete replacements, we’re still having serious water leakage issues. I’m tempted to be stressed out about this situation, but I can see beyond it. We now have one water-tight and working shower. We’ll sort the other one out in due time. Worse things have happened. I’m also feeling into the energy of the situation, to ascertain the reasons why we’ve attracted this into our experience, as well as contemplating the symbology represented by water leakages. I know, with certainty, that we can resolve this situation at its root cause by resolving the blocked energy. When we’re in alignment, this will resolve with ease.
So I’m feeling good. There is ebb and flow, and that is to be expected. I’m observing and learning every day. Magic surrounds me. That magic comes via my devotion. And it’s is why I’m here in this space today. I’ve been on the verge of sharing here a few times over the past few months, but something has held me back (it seems to be an ongoing pattern of mine). I’ve hesitated and questioned whether my stories, my experiences, are worthy of sharing, whether they hold any value. This hesitation and questioning has peaked in response to an experience which took place shortly after publishing my last blog post, in which a dear friend of mine was very brave and honest with me. She told me that she had deep concerns about my spiritual path, and that she needed to put some boundaries in place for her own protection, and that of her family, if we were to continue our friendship. This revelation shook me deeply. I can’t recall ever having had an experience before where someone essentially condemned, albeit in a loving and considerate way, my beliefs and my way of life. Initially, it was unnerving and incredibly uncomfortable, but I put on a brave face and told her that I was ok with her requests. However as time went on, and the situation marinated in my mind, my ego began to launch savage battle with my higher self as I tried my best to not take my friends opinions and actions personally. I wasn’t sure whether I could accept her requests. I wasn’t sure whether I could be friends with someone who wouldn’t accept me in my entirety, who felt that my spirituality posed a danger to her and her children. The situation drew anger, opinion and judgment from most of those whom I shared with. I knew in my heart that I didn’t reject my friend or her stance, in fact I respected her bravery, honesty and integrity in approaching such a delicate topic with both care and respect. I have no issue with us having different beliefs. But I found it difficult to determine whether I could continue to spend time with her. I have a strong value of respect for others choices and beliefs, religious and spiritual included. In my world, I can accept and live with the reality that others have different beliefs to me, and that we can coexist harmoniously with that difference. It is my belief that there is more than one path to God. But not everyone shares that belief. How could I share a friendship with someone who rejects my path and feels the need to protect herself from my way of life? Initially, I thought I could find a way to continue our friendship in line with her boundaries, that we could meet in neutral territory and simply avoid the topic. I thought that would be the moral and loving thing to do. But I soon realised that such a path would come at a cost. I would be dishonouring myself. I would be saying, symbolically, that my beliefs and my spirituality are not worth taking a stand for. That it’s ok for someone to place conditions on our friendship that dampen my spirit and leave me feeling like there is something inherently evil about how I live my life. I know my friend had pure intentions in what she shared with me, that she came from a place of love. But ultimately, she was saying that how I live, and who I am, is not ok.
Whilst I’m proud of the way that we both handled this situation, and that we’ve come to a mutual understanding of how to respect each other’s wishes, the after-effects are lingering for me. Whilst I believe in the depths of my heart and soul that the crux of my spirituality is nothing but unconditional love in its purest form, this exchange with my friend has given my ego fresh fodder to keep me safe and small. It speaks to me of the risks of speaking my truth, that I might be judged and attacked, next time with hatred and viciousness. It tells me that people will misunderstand me, that people are looking for an argument, for a way to wield their power. It tells me that people might associate me with things that are not, in fact, a part of my belief system, and use that against me. It tells me to be scared. It tells me that life is so much easier when I just keep my mouth shut and fit in with the crowd. It tells me that I don’t need to share this stuff anyway, I can keep it to myself, keep it private.
My ego is doing such a beautiful job of protecting me. All she wants is for me to survive, and she’s making use of the most effective tools that evolution has given her, the tools that have brought humans so far in perpetuating the species for eons. The thing is though, I’m beyond survival. I’ve got that handled. Thank you, dear ego, for lovingly doing your job. But I choose differently.
Life might be “easier” when we keep quiet and fit in, but for me, that feels unbearably stifling. I have these words, these expressions of my experience and my truth, that are conceived to be spoken, not swallowed. When I suppress them, they don’t just magically disappear – they are energy, physical matter on the quantum level, that doesn’t vanish through repression. They stay inside of me, and they turn bitter. They’re there, and they’re so loud that I can’t ignore them, so unless I allow them to move through me, they fester and grow, and eventually seek an alternate route of expression, through rage, tears, or illness – they’ll find any means of escape. So “easier” is perhaps not an accurate term to use.
Tell your story with pride, said the cardinal. Accept this moment as it is, he chirped. So I’m acknowledging the truth, the words, the expressions of my experience, and I’m accepting that they are here, to be born out into the world when I’m moved to give voice to them – when they’re ripe and ready to flow. It’s a lesson I’m learning over and over and over again. I’ve discovered that it’s my destiny to share – one of the many essences of my soul is to give expression to my words, and to have them be heard. And I’m devoted to being in alignment with the light of my soul, so silence is not even an option for me. My words are part of my soul’s purpose here on this human journey. I am devoted to living that purpose.
Main image credit: Mr Cardinal by Dawn Huczek, used under license.
