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Lying by accident

I noticed something kind of embarrassing this evening. I was recalling a conversation I had with my friend this morning, during which I told her that we’re moving house this coming week. I said something along the lines of “So everything’s a bit crazy at the moment!” Something about her response made me hesitate for a moment in continuing the conversation down the same track, and I slightly tweaked the trajectory of where my subject matter was heading, turning eventually to discuss things in a somewhat more positive light. I’m not certain of exactly what it was that she said or did that made me do this, and I can’t make assumptions about what she was actually thinking, but it was just something I sensed, that she perhaps thought I was being dramatic, or overly negative, or just a bit strange. Thinking back about it this evening, I remember another friend having a very similar response when we were discussing the exact same topic. I then thought about all the other people I’ve had the same conversation with over the past week or so. Something about every single one of those conversations just felt … off.

I realised tonight why they felt off. Truth be told, I don’t feel like “everything’s a bit crazy at the moment!” Things are actually ok. Despite having a lot of packing to do, whilst running a household, amongst the usual routines around kinder and playgroup and the usual kid-related shenanigans, and a husband who has “done his back” – things are fine. I’ve been packing when I can, sorting bits and pieces out here and there, and not getting in a flap about it.

So, why have I been telling everyone that things are crazy? For starters, I can tend to be a drama queen at times, so telling everyone that things are fine and on track wouldn’t get me the attention that a drama queen craves. But tonight, my epiphany has shed light on the deeper reason as to why I’ve been telling everyone I’m so stressed out.

I’ve changed.

If I had been in this position 12 months ago, or probably even 3 months ago, I would likely be stressing out big time. I would be freaking out about how much I need to do, with not enough time to do it, and not enough help. I’d be fretting and worrying, worrying and fretting.

Instead, I’ve hardly been thinking about the work ahead of me. My husband and I have talked about what needs to be done, and then I’ve done it when I can. On a few occasions when I’ve thought that I should be packing in the evenings, I’ve decided that a better idea would be to go to bed, or meditate, or do something enjoyable, so that I’m feelings refreshed and energized the following day, and hence able to do more.

It hadn’t consciously occurred to me until this evening that this is how I’ve been approaching this task. It’s just how I’ve begun rolling. And yet, when I talk about it with my friends, I’ve been telling them about how it would have been, in the past! My habits and actions have unconsciously changed, and my conscious mind hadn’t caught up! No wonder my negative chatter about the stressful move felt off!

So, this is good news. Great news, in fact. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of stress and overwhelm, but they’re few and far between. This is actually amazing, and the reality of it is only just hitting me now, as I write this instead of packing boxes.

So, you may be wondering, what do I put this fan-bloody-tastic turnaround down to? A few things:

1. My commitment to self care
In my last post, I wrote about the importance of prioritising self care. I’ve done A LOT of inner work on this area since writing that post. The truth is, I understood and believed the concept at a deep level, but I was still struggling to put it into practice. My inner work led me to a crucial realisation – I couldn’t prioritise self care, when I wasn’t practicing self love. This topic on it’s own is worthy of a separate blog post, but for now I can simply say that I’ve delved deep in this area over the past weeks, and I’ve made massive progress. Hooray! So suddenly, when I experience true self love, the act of prioritising self care comes naturally. So, when I have the option of packing boxes at 11pm or meditating before snuggling in to bed for an early night, it’s really a no brainer. I’ve become very conscious of making choices based on whether they will have a healthy outcome for me.

2. My yoga practice
I resumed a regular yoga practice approximately 15 months ago, and I can say for sure that it has turned my life around. There are times when I forget the importance of my practice, and then there are times when it hits me just how much I am nourished by it, and the hundreds of ways in which my life is so much better for being a yogini. Physically, my practice gives my body movement and space, and this translates into my mind. When I stop practicing, both my mind and my body become constricted, tight, and prone to pain. I lack clarity on the specifics of exactly why and how yoga helps me, but I don’t care – I just know that with yoga, life works better.

3. My meditation practice
A regular meditation practice has been a very recent introduction to my daily routine. I’ve dabbled before, but this is the first time I’ve been committed, consistent, and enthusiastic about it. I have been using a guided chakra cleanse meditation audio by Belinda Davidson. I find using an audio makes it much easier to concentrate and stay present. The effects of my practice so far have been subtle but profound. I attribute my ability to “not freak out”, to staying present, which has been helped by my meditation practice.

4. Improving my energy
In September, I enrolled in Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic. Sounds pretty strange, but the premise of Belinda’s teachings is actually very logical. In order to change your life, you must first change your energy. This comes down to quantum physics, a fascinating subject, which I have a very (very!) limited understanding of, but at it’s core, everything in the universe is made of energy. So, to change something, you need to change the energy. School of the Modern Mystic teaches, amongst other things, how to change your energy (the Chakra Cleanse Meditation mentioned above is the primary way to do this). I’m currently at the end of week 9 of the course, and it’s been AMAZING. My energy is shifting, and there is so much I could write about this, but for now, I’ll just say that the turnaround I’ve experienced all
comes down to this. My energy is what has enabled me to experience true self love. My energy is what allows me to honour my commitment to my yoga practice and my meditation practice – in the past, I’ve been a world class self-saboteur. I’ve so much more to learn, but I can honestly say that I’ve never felt so grateful about where I’m at in life, or so confidently positive and excited about where I’m headed in life.

I’m changing my energy. I’m changing my life.

x

Image credit: pinnochio by jesiehart, used under license.

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Prioritising You – How It’s Done in the Wild

I read a blogpost by Pinky McKay recently that described an analogy for the importance of prioritising self-care as a mother (or parent) that was even more powerful for me than the oxygen mask analogy that I read about so often. It described a wildlife documentary in which a lioness and her cub hadn’t eaten in two days, and the situation was becoming critical. When the lioness finally achieved a kill, she ate the whole lot herself, leaving none for her starving cub. The meal gave her the energy and strength to continue hunting, and she eventually made a larger kill, which she shared with her cub.

The lioness instinctually “knows” the vital importance and priority of self-care in her role as a mother. Her instincts instructed her to feed herself first for a crucial reason: if she had shared or given the food to her cub, she wouldn’t have had the energy or strength to make another kill, and consequently both she and her cub would have perished from starvation. She had to take care of her own needs first, to ensure the survival of her cub.

This story cuts deep. Since becoming a mum, it’s felt as though my every need comes second (or third, or fourth) to those of my kids. In the early weeks and months, they were so utterly dependent for everything, and the patterns were quickly formed: meet the incessant needs of my baby, and then if there is any “left over time” when they’re finally sleeping (even if attached to me whilst doing so!), I can quickly slot in meeting my own needs before they wake again and the cycle repeats. This worked for the first few days, when I was  high on a post-birth hormone cocktail mixed with the excitement of my newly birthed baby, but it wasn’t sustainable. Yet, being the stubborn soul that I am, I have persisted with this habit, to some degree, for close to five years. Any wonder I feel exhausted, burnt out, resentful, disengaged, often sick, and I fantasise about running away on a regular basis.

In considering the lioness analogy, despite understanding it on an intellectual level,  my automatic and immediate response is still that I would give that first “small kill” to my kids – it’s my responsibility to care for them first and foremost, after all. After a little more careful consideration, I might contemplate the idea of sharing it with them. It’s not until I stop to consider the longer term consequences, that I feel a slight guilt-inducing tug towards making the choice to “feed myself” first. Do I really want us all to eventually “starve”? Of course not! Getting real about it requires me to really think through what this means. Neglecting my needs is causing me exhaustion, burnout, resentfulness, disengagement, illness, and fantasising about abandonment, whilst the kids immediate needs are being met. Long term, this will lead to (and is already heading towards) more serious illness, disconnection and broken relationships, and an inability to parent my children well and guide them towards living happy and healthy lives. This is clearly NOT what I want for myself or my family. At this point in the analysis, the appropriate action is glaringly obvious – meeting my needs MUST be prioritised when caring for my family.

I see this pattern in so many mums I know. Why is it that this notion of unsustainable self-sacrifice is so ingrained in so many of us as mothers? I think that’s perhaps another rabbit hole to be explored elsewhere, but one thing is crystal clear: at the end of the day, it serves no one.

I’ll keep the lioness in my mind as I go about life this week, making my daily choices in caring for myself and my family. Following from my last post, I’m pleased to report that I’m on track with my daily  meditation and adequate sleep. I haven’t been perfect – life knows how to bring up great excuses to avoid your commitments – but I’ve been mindful, and making better choices more often than not. I’ll remember the lioness as I continue.

How about you – how do you feel about the lioness and her choices? Do you prioritise yourself, or are you in denial of the critical priority of self-care? Why do you think that is? What is one small action you can take towards prioritising self-care? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Image credit: Female lion on the prowl, by John Rawlinson.  Used under license.

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Getting Honest

I’ve been attempting to write blog post number two for weeks now.  I’ve started writing so many times, and failed to come up with something I deem publish worthy.  Some attempts have turned into lengthy journal entries, which have been cathartic, but not worthy of sharing with you.  It’s been frustrating, and has left me wondering, at times, whether I’m cut out for this whole blog thing after all.  But I’m choosing to hang in there.

My aim is to write content that will uplift, inspire, and delight you.  This is where my problem currently lies . I can pretend all I like to be a shining beacon of positivity and “perfection”, full of sage advice on how to live an awesome life, but that would be a big fat lie.

The truth of the matter is, that right now, my head is a very messy place to be.

This truth came to its latest peak on Saturday, with a series of three mini meltdowns.  Exhausted and emotional, I spent a good chunk of yoga class hiding my mental turmoil and my tears in child’s pose.  When my beautiful yoga teacher showed me some love and kindness with a hug after class, I disolved into a fresh set of tears and escaped as quickly as possible to the privacy of my car.  Later in the day, whilst having my hair cut, the conversation with my long-time hairdresser (13 years and counting!) had me admitting that I was unstable, whilst a fresh set of red-eyed tears washed over me, and she spent the rest of my appointment giving me heartfelt advice and love along with an awesome haircut and blow wave (not to mention a dreamy head massage!).

This is certainly not the day of someone who’s got life all sorted out.

So, instead of pretending to have “it all” figured out, I will instead just tell the truth, with the aim of sharing the lessons I am learning along the way.

My beautiful, clever, wise and loving hairdresser made me promise that I would get help.  I’ve been mulling over my options and talking about it with my husband.  I’m not certain yet what all of that help will entail, but I’ve finally made a commitment to myself, to take care of me.  It’s time to take responsibility for myself.

We’ve heard it a million times – to take care of your family, you must first take care of yourself.  Almost every article I’ve ever read on the subject refers to the in-flight emergency oxygen mask analogy: fit your own mask first, before helping others.  But it seems I’m a little slow and stubborn to allow this message to really sink in, or to actually take it on board.  I needed close to 5 years of motherhood related meltdowns to learn this crucial lesson.  I know I’m not the only one – too many mothers I know follow the same pattern, putting the needs of their family, and especially their children, before their own.  The inevitable result: meltdown (like my day on Saturday), breakdown, physical ill-health, mental ill-health.  The lesson is clear: MY FAMILY NEEDS ME TO TAKE QUALITY CARE OF MYSELF, IN ORDER FOR ME TO BE CAPABLE OF TAKING QUALITY CARE OF THEM.

Perhaps I should give myself “lines” – write this sentence out 100 times!

So, for me, it begins with this: I commit to care well for myself, body, mind and soul.

For me, it seems logical that whilst I need to care for all three of these parts of me in order that they all work indiviually, the key aspect is caring for my soul.  Without nourishing my soul, what is the point?  It’s the essential part of me, the eternal part of me, and without it, I am nothing.

I recently watched Oprah interview Gabrielle Bernstein on Super Soul Sunday, and it spoke to me deeply about how I can nourish my soul, and be a spiritual person.  Gabby, a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, yoga and meditation teacher, video blogger and self-confessed “spirit junkie”, described the following steps as nessesary in order to become more spiritual:

1. A willingness – to become more spiritual.
2. Pay attention – when you’re willing, guidance, opportunities and assignments will appear, if you pay attention.
3. Show up – when the guidance and assignments appear, you must show up for the assignments.

So, I’m willing.  I’ve stated my commitment to self care, body, mind and soul.  I’m paying attention, and it amazes me how the universe has given me the exact guidance I need.  Specifically, I need to sleep (who would have thought?!), and I need to meditate.  Step 3: show up.  That is my task now.  I’ve begun.  Early to bed, and I’ve begun with 5 minutes daily meditation.  Simple.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

What about you?  Do you practice quality self care?  If so, what does this include?  If not, what’s stopping you, and what’s the first step you can take to change this habit?  I look forward to hearing from you.

x

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Hello!

Where to begin …

Thank you for being here! I’m excited, nervous, optimistic, hopeful, scared, thrilled, and exhilarated to be embarking on this blogging journey. I’m not clear just yet on the precise direction in which this will head, but I begin with two main intentions:

  1. To help me

I’ve felt the pull, for a long time, to discover my purpose in the world. At this particular point in my life, this task feels more urgent than ever. I hope that this blog will enable me to explore, facilitate and share the ways in which I can live a life of passion and purpose.

  1. To help you

A few months ago, I was completing a “Goal Planning and Focus” worksheet. Question #1 asked me, what do I want in my life? My answers flowed quickly: happiness, love, fun, health, joy, purpose, fulfilment, adventure, abundance, and my core desired feelings: exhilarated, vitality, luxurious, potent (more on this in a later post, I promise!). Question #2 asked, if I could create it, what would make my life worthwhile? Again, the answer was simple: to bring all of the above, to others. My wish is that this blog will become a place in which I can bring some, if not all, of these things to you.

I truly am excited. The energy is right. This is the beginning. It’s not pretty and polished yet (hanging out to get to that!), but it’s a start. The Universe expressly told me, in an email last Friday, that if I want happiness, I should do something, anything, as soon as possible, and do it with care. So, here it is.

Again, thank you for being here.

x

PS – if you’d like to receive your own emails from the Universe just like me, visit www.tut.com

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