depression Archives - Rachael Stella

School of the Modern Mystic

Two years ago, I became a student of Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM). Enrolling in the level 1 course set me on a path that I never dreamed I would walk, and the most exciting part is that I’ve really only just begun.

SoMM opens its doors for enrolment once a year, and that window of opportunity for 2016 is approaching in a few days. I am an affiliate for the course, because it was the catalyst that transformed my life, and I’m SO PASSIONATE about the teachings. I’ve experienced transformation for myself, I’ve seen so many other SoMM students blossom into their most joyous and soulful lives, and I wish that opportunity for everyone on the planet. The opportunity to finally break free from the pain and struggles that are holding you back, to connect with your soul, and to live in truth and joy. And so, I’m sharing with you today my experiences. Following are some of the most significant shifts I’ve experienced thanks to SoMM.

MOVING BEYOND DEPRESSION
My main motivation for enrolling in the school 2 years ago was because I believed that it could help me to break my patterns of recurring depression. At a time when I was recognising the early signs of onset, SoMM entered my radar, and I saw it as an admittedly unconventional alternative to yet another round of psychological counselling or medication. My intuition told me that this could be my answer. I’m not advocating that abandoning traditional mental healthcare treatment is the answer for everyone. For me, I knew I needed to break the cycle, and I needed a different approach if I was to have lasting results. I sensed that SoMM was MY path. I was so right.

During level 1 and beyond, I became so much better able to cope with the everyday stresses of life as a Mum that had previously brought me to my knees. I was calmer, more effective at solving problems, and had more mental resilience. I no longer felt broken. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to reach this place earlier – I read books and blogs, attended workshops, practiced yoga, took advice … and whilst these things were all definitely helpful, they didn’t effect lasting change. The difference with SoMM – I was clearing the energetic blockages that were responsible for my subconscious ways of operating, so my mental patterns changed without effort, without me consciously realising.

I was elated. My husband was happy. The kids had a healthier and happier mummy. I believed I had the tools to effectively move through life permanently depression free.

As 2016 swung into gear, around 6 months after completing level 1, I began to experience some depressive episodes again. Not full blown clinical depression, but certainly not pleasant. I freaked out. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING. Life was supposed to be easy and joyful and pain free now, filled with rainbows and unicorns and fairy dust!

As I’ve re-emerged from that dip on the roller coaster of life, I can see through hindsight a number of things. Firstly, I had unrealistic expectations of what post-SoMM life “should” be like (i.e. unicorns etc.!!?). Healing yourself and improving your life does not mean that you will no longer face challenges, hardships, or disappointments. Secondly, the massive energetic and spiritual changes I’ve begun negotiating thanks to SoMM have raised a lot of fear and uncertainty, fine fodder for the ego to go wild. The status quo is no longer a viable option in my life post-SoMM – half truths don’t cut it, hiding is futile, and the truth can be painfully uncomfortable. This stuff can feel terrifying! This is where I discovered that my mindfulness practice, from the third module of level 1, was not yet as strong as I had naïvely assumed it to be.

But … this was all a part of my healing journey, teaching me along the way. And, it was the SoMM teachings that brought me back online, back to my centre, and back to mental health again.

I believe with all of my heart that these teachings are rock solid. Foolproof.

The take-away for you from this experience is that SoMM offers you the UNIVERSE, but it sure as heck isn’t for the faint hearted. It is amazing and transformational and literally miraculous, and it will fill your life with light and love, IF you devote yourself to the spiritual practices that it teaches you. It will also crack you open, and demand that all that is not love, truth, and purity, all that is fake, all that is playing small and hiding, all that is conformity, be shed. I know from experience that that is not easy, and it’s not for everyone. It’s a choice. But if you’re willing to make that choice, you’ll find magic.

I could probably stop there, but I’d like to share with you some of the other beautiful gifts I’ve gained through SoMM.

TRIBE
The online SoMM community – my SoMM sisters (and the odd brother here and there!) – is an absolute joy and treasure. To have found a tribe of (mostly) women whom I didn’t even consciously realise I was desperately searching for has been an incredible gift. Like minded women, on a journey of the soul in this physical life, together. So much love. So much support. Connection. Friendships. The opportunity to meet with many of my SoMM sisters in the flesh has been extra special – I’ve been craving this kind of connection all of my life.

INTUITION
Putting aside my new-found fascination for psychic perception, my own intuitive abilities are steadily building in subtle ways. I imagine something, and then it actually happens. I have insights that enable me to prepare for what would previously have been unforeseen circumstances. I have the ability to solve problems based on intuitive hunches, often preventing further complications from arising. So far, this phenomenon is intriguing, helpful, and warmly welcomed.

COMMUNICATION
I’m discovering my voice, on many levels. It’s still emerging. An example: my husband and I mutually acknowledge that open communication has never been our strength, is something we must constantly work on, and is something we easily slip into avoiding. Post SoMM – it’s an ongoing work in progress, but we’re having the conversations no matter how difficult. WIN. As I said before, there’s no more hiding.

SPIRITUALITY
My prime motivation for enrolling in SoMM was to overcome depression and gain mental health. I got so much more than I bargained for, but that somehow, on some subconscious level, I was yearning for and could sense that SoMM would give me.

The spirituality of SoMM is what has transformed my life, and is what now informs every waking moment of my day. I have a new relationship with God. I have a new relationship with myself. I’m finally coming to understand a lot of what I was taught in my Catholic upbringing. Things that hadn’t made sense to me previously, things that seemed like fictional stories or outright lies, I’ve been able to reframe and discover the truths that they hold. SoMM is not a religious course, but through it and discovering my spirituality, I’ve been able to develop an appreciation and understanding of what was being taught to me through religion that I’d never managed to absorb. It turns out there is more than one path to God.

GLOW
The last thing I’ll mention here is kind of random and unspecific, but I attribute it to the spiritual practices I learnt in SoMM. People tell me I look different – in a good way. I have a sparkle in my eye that wasn’t there before. I look well. Personally, I think it comes and goes relative to how I’m showing up for my spiritual practice, but I haven’t tested that theory out for external validation. Whatever the case, I like it.

If SoMM is right for you, you’ll know. You’ll be curious. You’ll feel drawn in. Something about it will call to you. If that’s you, I encourage you to follow where your curiosity leads. In my eyes, if you choose to dive in, it will be impossible to regret it. You will be held, and supported, and loved. Strap yourself in for the ride! If you’re in, be sure to let me know, and I’ll see you in the school yard.

To find out more about School of the Modern Mystic and sign up to be notified when enrolment opens in the next few days, click here.

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Your light is eternal

I’m a freaking mess. High one day, a disaster the next. I feel like a complete idiot, like I’ve not learnt anything about life and how to live. I told anyone who’d listen that I finally had this depression thing sorted for good, and now, I’m being slammed by depressive episodes again. And it’s not even a “legit” depression, where the person is rendered physically and mentally incapable of dragging themselves through the day. No, my brand is shameful: it’s a choice. I’m feeling shit, and I’m wallowing in it. I’m choosing to opt out and zone out of life, because I just don’t want to endure another moment of feeling this way.

I’m heartbroken, because I was so certain that I’d found the golden ticket to keep me out of this pain permanently, but despite my dedicated chakra cleansing, my ego found the loophole: mindfulness. I know that mindfulness has been my stumbling block, and it’s the way my ego is worming it’s way back in to the drivers seat and controlling my life again. She’s clever – she’s even managed to convince me that she can thwart my attempts at chakra cleansing and channeling White Light. So, whilst I’ve surrendered to the MIA mindfulness, even my attempts to chakra cleanse and channel White Light feel measly and futile.

She’s good at convincing me that I suck at life, that I’m dumb and slow, and that I’m just not cut out to get my shit together enough to live an awesome life. She laughs hysterically when I say I want to shine my light and inspire others. “LIGHT?! WHAT LIGHT?! You’re a phoney loser. You don’t have a light, and saying the words won’t make one magically appear. You’re a try-hard, follow-the-crowd loser, pretending to be different. It’s embarrassing watching you pretend to people that you’ve got life sorted, that you have answers, because it’s a crock of shit and everyone sees through you. No one would ever want to follow your lead. Suck it up Princess, life’s a bitch, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all get on with it and stop laughing with pity and disgust at your pathetic attempts at “Lightworking”. FFS, the fact that you have the audacity to even use that word is just maddeningly embarrassing, and hilarious, and pathetic. You’re not one of them, so give it up. You’re destined for mediocrity, so stop trying so hard, and maybe the road will be a lot less embarrassing and painful for both of us.”

Whoa. She’s brutal. She’s a total cow. Writing out her tirade helps me to see just how horrendous she is, and how it is that she’s managed to slam me. It’s not only given me clarity on how she’s operating, but also an idea on how to disarm her. You see, before I wrote out her vicious tirade, I knew I was being beaten into submission by her words, although I hadn’t consciously acknowledged exactly what her words were. I knew she was slamming me, but I felt completely helpless. Now, reading her vitriol on the page before me, I can see her for the abhorrent bully she is. It makes me think, if someone spoke like that to someone I loved, I would go beserk! I wouldn’t stand by helplessly – I would tear my loved one away from that person, and bombard them with all the reasons why those words are complete and utter bullocks! I would shower my loved-one with love and hugs, and tell them how beautiful and amazing and wonderful and perfectly imperfect they are. I’d tell them how much I love them.

So, that’s what I’m doing, for me.

Rachael Louise Stella, that horrible tirade that Ego just pissed all over you is complete and utter garbage. She is trying her best to tear you down, because she’s afraid of how powerful you are, and that you’ll render her powerless. She’s clawing her way to survival. It’s not true, and she knows it. Rachael, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfectly imperfect woman, and I love you with all of my heart. You are a Lightworker – it’s just that your light has been dimmed lately, because you’ve believed those awful things that Ego tells you. I can assure you, it is a spiritual impossibility to extinguish your light – it is eternal. Don’t allow that desperate Ego to convince you that you’re not glorious. You are, and that terrifies her. But don’t fight her. Fighting is futile, and breeds negativity. Perhaps show her some love and kindness, by allowing her to be, but remembering that she does not speak the truth. Allow her to say whatever terrible things she has to say, but don’t accept them as true. Remember that her words are born of fear. She fears for her existence. You know how to disarm fear: with love. Remembering this will allow your light to shine, ever more brightly, and will keep Ego in the back seat, whilst you take the steering wheel.

I love you so much. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Image credit: 365.12 – Light by Kristina Savic. Used under license.

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Spirituality: The Answer to our Prayers?

“Already for most humans, the only respite they find from their own minds is to occasionally revert to a level of consciousness below thought. Everyone does that every night during sleep. But this also happens to some extent through sex, alcohol, and other drugs that suppress excessive mind activity. If it weren’t for alcohol, tranquilizers, antidepressants, as well as the illegal drugs, which are all consumed in vast quantities, the insanity of the human mind would become even more glaringly obvious than it is already. I believe that, if deprived of their drugs, a large part of the population would become a danger to themselves and others. These drugs, of course, simply keep you stuck in dysfunction. Their widespread use only delays the breakdown of the old mind structures and the emergence of higher consciousness. While individual users may get some relief from the daily torture inflectied on them by their minds, they are prevented from generating enough conscious presence to rise above thought and so find true liberation.”

~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, p.102

I’ve avoided writing about this topic for a while now, out of fear of being misunderstood, of being accused of denying the realities, severity and seriousness of mental illness, and the power it holds over those who suffer from it. The last thing I want to do is make light of what can be a debilitating and lethal condition. Yet as I journey forward, I’m strengthening in my ability to express my opinions and my truth. As such, I now feel it’s important to share my experience, and to offer ideas for contemplation and consideration. I hope my best intentions are evident.

I’ve suffered, in the past, with recurring bouts of clinically diagnosed depression. In my opinion, these episodes were mild, in the sense that I managed to continue functioning in life, meaning that I was capable of holding my job, dragging myself through the days, and mostly hiding how I was feeling from most of the world. I felt like I was trapped in dark despair and hopelessness, but I managed to keep my head above water. I entertained fantasies of suicide, which elicited the simultaneous and seemingly contradictory emotions of anger and relief, because I knew myself to be incapable of actually committing such acts.

During each bout of depression, my medical carers recommended anti-depressants, but I avoided them, feeling certain that whilst they would no doubt make me feel better, they wouldn’t cure me of the cause of my illness. I believed that the chemical imbalance in my brain, which cases the symptoms of depression, was preceded by something else. I was convinced that the chemical imbalance didn’t just randomly occur – something caused it. As such, I opted instead for psychological counselling, hoping and trusting that it would address that root cause. Counselling definitely helped me, but the fact that I continued to relapse suggested to me that there was something else I was missing. The last time I had depression, I agreed to take the medication, based on the fact that I had young children to care for, and as such I couldn’t afford the time it would take to recover using psychological counselling for treatment.

When, under the guidance of my GP, I managed to successfully wean myself from anti-depressants, I knew I had work to do. I never wanted to suffer from depression again, and I never wanted to put my children or my husband through such an experience again. I knew I needed to maintain the self-care practices I’d begun whilst on the medication, to prevent a relapse. But, beyond that, I knew deep down that I needed to address the root cause of my recurring illness if I was to avoid living this cycle for the rest of my life.

I could sense that if I didn’t take action soon, I would be heading down the same path I’d been down before. It was around this time that Belinda Davidson and her School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM) entered my world. I was interested. I was fascinated. I was drawn in. In a strange and subtle way, I believed that Belinda could help me to escape from my cycle of depression. My instincts told me to enrol, and my husband was on board with my decision. I haven’t looked back.

Let me be clear: Belinda does not claim to be a doctor or medical professional, or to be a substitute for such. What she does claim is to offer teachings that enable you to change your energy, change your life, heal yourself, become intuitive, and discover your life purpose. When I undertook Level 1 of SoMM, I was not depressed, but I was looking for my way to avoid becoming depressed ever again.

Having come out the other side of SoMM Level 1, I feel like the answer to my question of what was causing my depression, is that I’d been avoiding my spirituality for a long, long time. I’d well and truly lost the true essence of me. I was like an empty shell, with no vibrance or vitality. I’d given up the belief that life is full of beauty and joy – it felt more like a hard slog, disappointment, and disillusion. Sure, there were moments of fun, happiness, joy and love, but they felt fleeting and impermanent. I was resigned to bleak “reality”, the daily grind, struggle, and settling for mediocrity.

Amidst this resignation, the flame inside of me, although dimmed, was never completely extinguished. I spent late nights trawling the internet for inspiration and answers. I attended personal development workshops. I subscribed to every mailing list offering hope and salvation from motivational and inspirational authors. I read self-help books. I felt desperate at times. But I never stopped searching. Something inside propelled me to keep searching.

Religion didn’t do it for me. The self-help movement didn’t do it for me.

My teacher, Belinda Davidson, has shown me that my spirituality is where I will find all the answers I seek. She has shown me that my soul holds all the information I’ll ever need to live a life of purpose. She has shown me that I am responsible for my energy, and that by raising my vibration, I play my part in changing the collective energy of the world. She has shown me that I am not my thoughts, and she has shown me how to identify with my higher, light-filled self. She has shown me that I am a Lightworker, and I always have been. I just got lost along the way.

I’m not an expert, and I have no great understanding of what seems to be an epidemic of mental illness in our society. Perhaps though, in my humble opinion, it is worth considering whether our cultural tendency to ignore our spirituality, is at the root of some of our problems. Perhaps we would do well to encourage exploration of our spirituality, to introduce spiritual practices into our daily routines, to consider the larger questions of life as important enough to dedicate our time and attention to in our busy worlds. It seems that so many of us are caught up in life, pursuing empty and meaningless goals that we think are important, but ultimately never satisfy us.

Only time will tell, but I feel certain that a relapse of depression is no longer something I need to concern myself with. I have the tools, the spiritual practices, to ensure that I stay well, and free from mental illness. For that, I am eternally grateful.

If you or someone you love is suffering from mental illness, please seek professional help.

Beyond Blue: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Black Dog Institute: http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

Headspace: http://headspace.org.au

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia): http://www.panda.org.au/

Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic is currently accepting enrolments for Level 1. Click here for further information or to enrol. Enrolment is open once a year, and the doors close for 2015 on Monday 21st September – don’t miss your opportunity!

*I am a proud ambassador and affiliate for School of the Modern Mystic.

Image credit: image by Wonderlane. Under license.

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